chocolate/telephone

waterroll

2007-09-24T20:06:00.000+08:00

HAHA. (: Atheists are the reason crime is rampant! Stomp stomp stomp.
Whoa, I really need to bathe, and my eyes feel like they've been dunked in formaldehyde. Or pickle juice.

the ten dollar afternoon/

2007-09-23T10:57:00.000+08:00

I should be doing some revision now, and I promise I'll get to that really quickly! I don't know what the hell I was rambling about in my last post! I was re-reading it, and I was kind of like whaaaat?! and it felt awkward for a moment because I know there are SOME people who read this blog at least, although there is nothing that can attest to readership numbers... So anyway, I'm unapologetic that some people might have gone through the whole post, although most might have come here to play with the Pollock application. Even then, (without being too presumptuous here) I find it hard to believe that the blog posts would not have aroused even an iota of interest (: So, I beseech readers (if any): peruse with pot of salt in thy mind's hand, to be administer'd when thou encountereth potentially eyebrow raising posts.

Farewell(eth), though ungrammatical.

Not a retraction, by the way.

This is the filling of many.

2007-09-20T19:31:00.000+08:00

If writing were a footrace, I would probably be a sprinter, hardly a marathoner (BY THE WAY, since people who take part in pentathlons are called pentathletes, why aren't people who participate in marathons called marathletes?) (: You know, unless it's something that I'm really interested in, I find it difficult to summon material past the 700-word mark. This precludes series of short writings that I sometimes do, where each component is separate entity, if you can call it that.

I like to think of every piece as a sentient being - aware of every change in punctuation, awkward when there are errors in syntax, akin to a child afflicted by Trisomy 21 (i.e. Down Syndrome). Sometimes if I am forced to ramble on for too long, whatever I'm writing will take on a life of its own. Strictly speaking, I have little control over its meanderings... Feels a little odd when I'm tasked to write an essay. The word-minimum/limit makes things feel altogether quite unsettling. Sometimes it's too long, and it's overkill and other times it's a truncated piece of shit. The ones I hate most, the ones that are crushed up and left to languish amidst yoghurt cups and Milo packets, the ones that I'd rather burn than hand in; are the ones that are souls in limbo, commuters in transit.

Consider the chrysalis: not lively, but hardly lifeless - the perfect example of an article stranded in mid formation. The Caterpillar its architect, and the Butterfly its progeny (moths are a bit drab). I suppose one could argue that the Chrysalis has every right to be appreciated as is, but it is difficult to assert that the Chrysalis has any extrinsic worth. There is no doubt that the Chrysalis is essential in the life cycle of the Butterfly/Caterpillar (which are one and the same, albeit at different stages of development) but one can hardly call it finished. It gives no clue of life within, itself appearing insensate and inanimate. A Chrysalis is not a whole, it is incomplete, placidly In Transition. Some of my essays end up as chrysalises - extremely ungainly, ambling toward no apparent destination, and ultimately self-destructive.

If you asked me whether I find writing hard, the answer would be that I find writing incredibly difficult. It's not difficult in terms of getting the words to flow, but it's extremely tricky directing that deluge in an appropriate manner, where it might serve as irrigation (not irritation), hydration, or simply an aesthetic channel through which some sail through.

Do I enjoy it? Good question.
I appreciate pain and pleasure
in equal measure.

ever break rank at all?

2007-09-15T22:28:00.000+08:00

I have a feeling I won't be able to sleep much tonight. Probably due to a combination of factors. Could be the acid reflux. Or rapidly ballooning midsection due to lack of exercise. Or chronic dissatisfaction.

Felt a little bit lethargic today, and I didn't really have proper meals at all. I feel like this lipid capsule.
We're never going to win this if belief is what we're fighting for. At least, I can't win this, because belief is precisely what I'm fighting for. And fighting with, as well.
I have John Mayer's The Village Sessions and Herbie Hancock's Possibilities. It's all great music, I just don't seem to have the time or motivation to listen to it all. My library is filled with songs I haven't even listened to yet. And I've got a Jimi Hendrix pack AND SRV collection AND Tommy Emmanuel coming along.

the right attitude to tremors.

2007-09-13T21:58:00.000+08:00

Too private.

Anyway, I've been thinking about doing a switcheroo to lj... The time just doesn't feel ripe yet. Besides, that would kind of be selling out on blogger. How am I supposed to transfer this Jackson Pollock flash app to lj?!

My Colgate is manufactured in Guangzhou and advertises a quote "dentist-like-ingredient" unquote. Should I feel scared? Aren't all ingredients in toothpaste supposed to be dentist-like anyway?! Or dentist-endorsed at least.
Have to conclude that I am brushing teeth with dubious substance! Have reason to believe that maggots may somehow manifest in gums or that I may grow super lead teeth/develop antifreeze abilities. Wahlao, how come got no insurance policy that covers for bodily/emotional harm caused by inferior *hina-made products. Wait, maybe that's not very viable. Can't be distributing payouts for every other lead-coated-antifreeze-laced-small-magnet on the market. Tsk tsk, like that how to make money.

Before I came on to blog, I seemed to have lots of things I wanted to put down. If my life was an expanse of dog hair, there'd be at LEAST a couple of nits to pick from. However, now that I'm confronted with this blank space, I'm unable to summon a single coherent thought. ): Woe.

:D

2007-09-08T19:20:00.000+08:00

I didn't know Sylvia Plath did villanelles. Hohoho awzm :D

Mad Girl's Love Song

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary darkness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said.
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

- Sylvia Plath

And then the famous Dylan Thomas one which is also pretty cool:

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night,

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night,

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

-Dylan Thomas

I'm in awe because they're so notoriously difficult to write. I like Plath's - even though Dylan's is widely acclaimed as THE classic villanelle - because I think if you can insert a line about how 'arbitrary darkness gallops in' then I kowtow to you. Also, the poem has an altogether more casual feel to it. Hmm, how should I put it? I guess it's more down-to-earth. I don't think the two can really be compared though, or at least, I'm not even interested in exploring that arena. Actually I think writing a poem can be quite a humbling experience sometimes, especially after you've written it, and you kind of get a shock reading through it again because you suddenly notice how some parts (or all of it, for that matter) are complete crap. Well, at least it is for me (: I'm full from zushiiii.

HOW TO MAKE SENSE ONE?!

mmmmm

2007-09-06T14:33:00.000+08:00

Came on because I wanted to share news that I've just made garlic and basil mash! Pronounced yummy by Auntie, aged 39, and sister, aged 14. Haha (: Feel kind of pleased with my domestic prowess (having also washed a number of dishes and some cutlery).

Anyway, am feeling a bit malaise-y and I think I'm running a fever. Hope I don't have the Dreaded Dengue! Choi. Don't want to die!

Had slowpitch game on the weekend. Shall not talk about my harrowing experience travelling all the way to Kallang amidst unpleasant downpour and traffic jams and inefficient public transport, then arriving, having it rain again, and having both games CANCELLED and having to travel all the way back home again, wasting a grand total of 4 and a half hours thereabouts (or more! >:( ) travelling. Monday was movie day though. Bourne Ultimatum with Daddy in the afternoon (must say that it's better than BonD and quite exciting) then Ratatouille with Amandas Sheryl and Jingwei (Who so magnanimously bought corn for me. Thanks! Yes, came out in excrement I think.) and that was really quite engaging and funny. Only problem was that we had the 2nd row from the front, and my neck got a bit uncomfortable to the middle. Then the next day was 881 with Sisterhood of AMK Ave 3 Gang sans Razor. The show was good, quite touching but a little draggy at the end, especially with the circling around Little Papaya and watching her hair fall off.

Yesterday respite! But felt the beginnings of fever already, so slept quite a bit.

Anyway, yet another recipe I can add to my list of culinary successes. (:

nonny

2007-09-02T21:33:00.000+08:00

I didn't get Teachers any presents.
Went out with OL people after that, met Lao Yang, and several other teachers who prompted the silent question "Why are you still teaching here?"
Anyway, we ate gelato at haato and now I have all 10 stamps because they all stamped for me! Now I'll get a free scoop!
Later on I trudged off with Nat to buy apples and then to the park, where we talked for about 3 hours. We haven't spoken in years, I think. We didn't talk much in class either, but things have a funny way of sorting themselves out.
That's why I'm the eternal optimist. (:

On a side note, I have been feeling very emotional lately! I think it could be PMS. I start tearing when I see a black man on TV trying to pitch his educational toy, or when I hear Connie Talbot sing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow". I'm no better than Amanda whatshername. But Connie's got angelic pipes though.
So, you have been warned. If I start bawling for no apparent reason, it's probably because I've stepped on an ant or some other organism that can't fend for itself.
See you.

2007-08-30T21:29:00.000+08:00

Hahaha, let's just say I'm not one for pretension. I don't practise it, nor do I appreciate it. If I feel a certain way, I tend to make my views apparent, sometimes with regard to other people's feelings/opinions, and other times not, depending on who and how I am feeling. I also refuse to revel in any sort of self-admiration, especially about non-existent and ignominious descriptions of character traits (which I apparently possess) such as "cute" or "nice". I find it really abhorrent. I can't understand why other people like that. But, nevermind.

Descartes' error,

2007-08-29T21:05:00.000+08:00

Something interesting from Wikipedia:

Descartes' Error: Emotion, Reason, and the Human Brain is a book by neurologist Antonio R. Damasio, in which the author presents the argument that emotion and reason are not separate but, in fact, are quite dependent upon one another.

Damasio explores in depth the unusual case of Phineas Gage, a man whose ability to feel emotion was damaged after an accident destroyed part of his brain. Specifically, he demonstrates that, while Gage's intelligence remained intact after the accident, his ability to make rational decisions and to reason became severely handicapped because his emotions could no longer be engaged in the process.

Damasio uses this case, and refers to other brain damage cases, to develop his thesis on emotion and its relationship to human activity. He argues that first, rationality stems from our emotions, and second, that our emotions stem from our bodily senses. The state of the mind, or feeling, is merely a reflection of the state of the body, and feeling is an indispensable ingredient of rational thought.

The title of Damasio's book makes reference to René Descartes, French author, philosopher and mathematician of the 17th century. In what can be considered one of the major works of the Enlightenment, Descartes describes his search for truth in the book "Discourse on Method". He was determined to avoid being misled by widely accepted ideas that had not been subjected to rational examination or discourse. His "method" therefore was to reject all that was not proven. Inevitably, this resulted in precious little to believe. He determined that when all else was rejected, he was still left with the undeniable fact that he was conscious, he could think. This became the first truth, summarized by his famous phrase, "I think, therefore I am", and the building block upon which he constructed his philosophy of Dualism.

In Descartes' approach, thought is the proof of existence; it is the basic truth. Damasio argues that the body is the genesis of thought. Descartes, as a philosopher, develops a method of reasoning based on the indisputable observation that if we think, we must exist. However, Damasio examines the physiological processes that contribute to the functioning of the mind and therefore proposes the idea that thinking is inherent to a body in which no spirit exists. The fundamental difference in argument situates itself in that thought is a physiological function, based on anatomy making the statement "I think, therefore I am" a repetition. It essentially becomes "I am, therefore I am" when Damasio's principle of the body-mind rather than dualism is applied. This presents the reason why the work is titled Decartes' Error.

The book presents the “somatic-marker hypothesis” and explains it in depth. This is a treatment of the controversial "mind/body" relationship, the issue of the mind/body relationship lying at the roots of psychology.

Whoa man, inasmuch as Descartes deserves to be revered for his depth of intellect, this is something I haven't really thought about before. Interesting. Proposes that it should be "I am, therefore I think, therefore I am." instead of "I think, therefore I am." but it takes a more scientific approach, which I think is fascinating. I don't mind reading the book. But I think that for all that these theories explore, it's not so much whether we exist or not that matters, but why we exist. Of course, that presupposes that we exist, but in this case whether we exist or not is inconsequential. In existing, endeavouring to find or possessing a purpose is perhaps our most salient objective, and the event that we do not exist, then there really isn't anything to worry about (: Not that that's really pertinent because we're all floundering about trying to make sense of our non-existence anyway.

fill.

2007-08-25T21:50:00.000+08:00

Am currently reading Memoirs of a Gnostic Dwarf. It's funny, but can be quite salacious at certain parts. Haha, not a PG book.

On most accounts, I should be pretty pleased with my life, but somehow I keep feeling there's some void that's asking to be filled. As a pre-emptive gesture, I suggest potential protestant evangelists stay away. I'm Roman Catholic, and proud of it. Can't stand it when people wax lyrical about... Well, never mind, I'm sure a couple of people share the same sentiment, so shall not inflame Catholic-Protestant relations further. Luckily I don't live in Northern Ireland, or the Protestants will be after my blood. Going to church tomorrow.

Anyway, YBIAW is probably the most himbo song John Mayer ever wrote, but I kind of like it (: I hated it in primary school but now that I can play guitar... Well, suppose I can appreciate the finer points of his composition :D :D

hit me a safety.

2007-08-24T20:34:00.000+08:00

I feel like a tangle of seaweed washed up on the shore.

Sending out an S.O.S to the world//

Recently, I've encountered this inexplicable yearning to be a foetus - suspended in the warm amnion of darkness, conscious only of my mother's heartbeat. It was probably when I was closest to her, unless you consider the brief span of time I spent outside the womb, nursing.

Let me tell you about my mother. If I had to use one word to describe her, it would be acute. Ambiguous, but appropriate. I wonder if it is because everybody holds the maternal chalice sacred, the vessel of our consecration, our blood our wine our blood. She used to read to me lying down. She once fell on her tailbone while learning how to roller-blade. She never roller-bladed again after that incident. She has a pretty good sense of style, which sadly, I have not inherited. She gets irritated quite easily. She used to lock me up on Saturdays when I was in primary school, and made me do assessment books. She used to buy me lots of books. She used to kiss me before I went to sleep and before she went to work every morning. She likes coconut, persimmon and bananas. She likes red. I like red too, but I don't think that it is congenital. When she used to scold me, she'd use phrases like "You'll drive me to my grave" and "I regret having you", usually both in the same sentence, latter before the former, i.e. "I regret having you, you'll drive me to my grave!" If I felt guilty, I could hug her and not feel guilty. Acute guilt and acute relief at the same time. She used to take 8 Panadols a day, because she got bad headaches. She's not that great at cooking, and she once burnt pork chops. First, and only culinary undertaking involving pork since.

But this is just a list of the things she did, or does. It doesn't tell you who she is. She still likes coconuts, persimmons and bananas and the colour red. She still has a great sense of style. She doesn't take 8 Panadols a day now, or even any Panadols for that matter, and I suspect it could be due to increased physical activity. I suppose then, you know (if you are acute too,) that some of the things on the list have been relegated to the past.

Anyway, just some random musing. It's not like I'm crumpled up here, crying over the PC, lamenting the loss of certain prvilieges. Well, even if I were, you wouldn't be able to tell anyway (:

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.

789

2007-08-21T21:28:00.000+08:00

FUCKING TESTIMONIAL. I don't know who came up with the fucking format, but I think it is Ji Lao Shi, and I have to say that it is complete NONsense. Besides shameless self-promotion, I will also be referring to myself in the third person. This is done for 3 reasons:

1. So that it's easier for JLS
2. So it doesn't actually SEEM like I am heaping praise on myself
3. In the spirit of pretension. HAH.

WHATEVER.

You know, all the fucking people obsessing about HP? Guess what, it won't do you any good thinking about the fucking programme, so stop calling so-and-so plebeian/elitist label for hoi polloi and just think about yourself. If you're capable of getting in, then good for you! There's no NEED to worry about anything. If not, then I don't see why you're worrying in the first place, because chances of you getting in then aren't very high. I don't think you should be worrying about undeserving applicants. One thing I can't stand is people being condescending to others when they are in no position to deliver criticism, especially when they themselves aren't worthier than their objects of criticism.

GRRRR. This is an out and out rant.

Bonnie Raitt

2007-08-16T21:57:00.000+08:00

Won't finish can't finish?

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about being happy recently, or being light, even. Haha, now it's a little too late to blog comprehensively on my thoughts (which are extremely jumbled, and it's on account of these disorganised thought processes that I screwed up my SRQ REALLY embarrassingly today) which probably aren't very relevant to anyone anyway.

Yesterday's talk by Barnard has heightened reservations about applying for the Humans prog there. If the only difference between them and the main college arts stream is BRITISH TUTORS, then, BY GOLLY, might not want to go there so much after all! If ever were to offer KI, there'd always be Mdm Oehlers' husband there, and he's quite good! And Singaporean tutors can't be all that shabby. I don't know what the obsession with "native English speakers" is, or why "writing songs" is truly a part of character-building. HOWHOW?! No causal link. I think the informal dialogue between the 3 HP students and the cohort was quite disappointing. I expected more, considering they're supposed to be the "creme de la creme" and everything, but it was mostly fluff, and a whole lot of generalisations about the programme. Only goes to show it's not really as wonderful as it's hyped up to be. In name only. What's in a name? Roses you aren't though, maybe begonias can lah. I don't know. It's like one of those thriller movies, you know? There's something sneakily suspicious about the programme and its people, but you just can't put your finger on it until... Someone gets smothered by one of Barnard's many spare tyres. Joking only.

Eleanor Wong was <333333!!!!!! The makeshift placard that Christine wanted to use to proclaim her undying love for Eleanor would have worked... Except. Well, I don't think Eleanor would've gone for Christine... SHE WOULD'VE GONE FOR ME :D :D Hahaha. and being a lawyer, she obviously knows that gay marriage isn't legal in Singapore anyway. Tough luck, 'stine! You can drag her off to California or something and get hitched in one of the chapels.

Going to work now.

are we sex fiends now?

2007-08-14T22:28:00.000+08:00

Shall we dance, Mr. B. B. King?

:D

I have not done anything.): I criez. This calls for many litanies and a little self-flagellation.

diediedie

2007-08-10T17:51:00.000+08:00

I think I am going to die from engorged sinuses. And maybe dehydration. My uterus is back with a vengeance ):

articulation.

2007-08-09T20:33:00.000+08:00

The woman in the Osim uSqueeze ad wears a skin-coloured dress, so out of the corner of your eye it looks like she is wearing nothing! Shocked me for a second (: Anyway, I think Kit Chan's song this year is not bad, but it sounds suspiciously like 'Home', and there's an allusion to 'My Fair Lady' in "I've played in the rain in Spain" or something.. Well, maybe it wasn't an allusion to that, but heh cool.

Yesterday the entire B div sans Shi Tong went to Toa Payoh to eat and camwhore much. See, now I know the secret of those people who can post like 100+ photos on their blog in one entry! Take pictures on the way, take pictures while you're there, take pictures when people aren't looking... Anyway it was fun. I don't know if we're going to some Jurong thing tomorrow?!? Eh don't want, I'm scared of water!

Fetched Mama to ZK's mum's wake. She asked me if I wanted to go out and "see the body" but I declined. I didn't really know her, and why would I want to SEE the body? It's not a sign of respect to look upon the corpse, is it?
And then went out to have dinner with a few of them. Wanted to eat at Thai Express, but then I got there, and thought there wasn't a Thai express, so we ate at the Soup Spoon instead. But found out there WAS a Thai Express at Paragon actually, and then was quite devastated ): Kino later, and as usual I saw a lot of things I wanted but couldn't afford.

The rest of them left later on. Sat down and had distinctly unintellectual discourse by the fountain. Orbs orbs orbs of light and second-hand smoke.

the circumvention of fate.

2007-08-07T21:03:00.000+08:00

I haven't been blogging because there hasn't been much to blog about. Can't remember what I was thinking about the last time, haha. Can't stand people who blog about their lovesickness though, it just turns me off completely. I also can't stand people who blog about how in love they are/how happy they are in love. UGHfekwqkehre just gross. It's okay to be in love, but don't flaunt it in such a sickeningly narcissistic and splashy manner. Completely trivialises the whole concept of "love" I think. Ew.

Polpotpolpot/Cambodian tyranny!

We had Chinese today. Was okay. Definitely could've been a lot harder. I think they've been quite easy on us. My results have yet to speak for themselves, so... Better not to speak too carelessly, haha. So, boring all the way. Lit was exceptionally boring, save for the brouhaha over whether the poem was good/was crap, and mostly a tussle between the pseudo-"literati" of '11 and Jasmine. Brenda was probably what you would call the more moderate, slightly leftist mediator. Wasn't really a very fruitful discussion, more of my-opinion-pwnz-yours kind of argument. Pointless. Birchwood didn't really control the discussion either. I think this lit class is a waste of time, though you could consider us having an entire hour to while away a bonus (: School is a waste of time half the time anyway.

SIL was um. Tieh was throwing a hissyfit at the end. 'Nuff said.

After school was fun! Cheronne, MSng and I were parodying this year's National Day theme song. Funny! Splosh splosh splosh! (: Then Liza let us watch some oddball Japanese kids' show called Pitagora Suicchi (translates as Pythagoras Switch!) and it's super cute and educational! Especially the Algorithm thing! With the NINJAZZZZZZ.

For you, as promised:

Twilight

I give you a grain of sand
a la Blake.
It's easy
To give a grain of sand;

No strings attached
Because you can't tie strings to sand
And sand doesn't need
To be taken out for walks.

You don't have to clean up after it
Or bathe it in saline
(It's self-cleaning)
And unless it gets in your eye

It makes for pleasant company
Hexagonal capsularity is disarming.
Flecks of dust-carrying light
Symphony of crashing cymbals

And dusk the conductor.

Brueghel's Two Monkeys

2007-07-30T20:42:00.000+08:00

This is what I see in my dreams about final exams:

two monkeys, chained to the floor, sit on the windowsill,

the sky behind them flutters,

the sea is taking its bath.

The exam is History of Mankind.

I stammer and hedge.

One monkey stares and listens with mocking disdain,

the other seems to be dreaming away --

but when it's clear I don't know what to say

he prompts me with a gentle

clinking of his chain.

that was then

2007-07-27T20:58:00.000+08:00

I believe that people who act in CrimeWatch re-enactments act poorly on purpose so as to dissociate themselves from the actual criminals, whom we know probably have better acting chops. You can't pull off a scam with an obviously conniving look on your face. I think these re-enactments should be more realistic! Later old people will go around thinking all criminals look like suspicious chee ko peks with bad DIY hair colour and moh peng one HAHA. Now, instead of racial profiling, we have FACIAL profiling!

Anyway, in my dream, there is a giant pretzel being shoved down my throat and I'm in a land where grapes hang on the trees, forever unripe, and I got the job the role the thought the chance into the double digits the unwavering support people actually apologise regardless of race language or religion rank roster relevance. And everyone is omniscient!
We are all good people.
But then I think, I never really wanted the pretzel.

baggage

2007-07-24T19:46:00.000+08:00

During History, we were discussing Fundamentalism, and the topic of Islam/various other Middle-Eastern religions was inevitably brought up and discussed with much inadequacy/cultural ignorance. I have to apologise for issuing certain politically-incorrect remarks, though I'll have to admit that they were not made in complete innocence. It kind of makes you realise how painfully unaware we are about the cultural practices of others. So - what cultural sensitivity?! I mean so much for living in a multi-ethnic society, and not knowing that Muslims want to go to Paradise and that Christianity branched off from Judaism.

On an unrelated note:
The interclass debates. The moot point about "Cultural Imperialism"?!?!?!? 'Nuff said! Firstly, although feminism emerged from the West, it isn't a Western cultural concept! It's hardly a cultural one at all, more to do with politics and social welfare, and even then promoting feminism to genital-mutilating countries can hardly be considered an "erosion of their culture". Certain practices themselves are illegal in the countries where they are prevalent precisely because it's a severe misinterpretation of their own culture... And feminism would apply cross-culturally anyway because women exist in every culture. It has nothing to do with believing that Western culture is superior to non-feminist culture and the Western patriarchy trying to assert dominance. Hello, feminism received a lot of backlash when it first emerged too. Anna and the King, anyone?

And that VERY insensitive reference to Islam and its link to 911. There is a difference between moderately religious people and fundamentalists. There is a difference between fundamentalists and extremists.

I'm not bemoaning the state of our cultural ignorance, I'm only spurred on to learn more about songkoks and turbans! (Male headdress for Muslims and Sikhs-and-some-others respectively I think.)

tired

2007-07-23T21:18:00.001+08:00

I'm tired out of my head.

Harry Potter.

Who said life came easy? Give as good as you've got.

tired

2007-07-23T21:18:00.000+08:00

prosey.

2007-07-20T22:18:00.000+08:00

Pitiable attempt at prose poetry but think it's too long. Uhhh, I think have to settle for prose.

Faces

You dropped it on your way to work, but not realising the residual visage dripping down your chin, you looked instead to the coffee you’d spilled down your shirt. And your countenance seeped through the grilles unnoticed, to the land of lost faces; lurid pool of body-less features - unclaimed and unretrieved, lest their owners drown in the vast swamp of humiliation. Not all of these faces were misplaced or forcefully taken. Some of these were orphan children, placed in the custody of the Department for Facial Refuse, mostly by Chinese, who called the process “throwing face”. Refusing face, face is simultaneously rejected and reclassified as garbage. Not as simple as discarding a used tissue. Protocol had to be observed, applications for the secession of face duly processed, quality of skin examined (No acne, freckles, scars, genetic defects e.g. cleft lip, forms of mutilation). Successful applicants, accompanied by an DFR officer, would peel their face off – an easy task, for it was never permanently attached to begin with. Once identified by the mole on his right cheek, now man was branded by only viscera and gristle, blood offering liberty.

oat on my tongue.

2007-07-17T21:32:00.000+08:00

Allofourparentsthey'regettingolder

Ugh, the title of the upcoming RTVS (Reality TeleVision Show!) "Girl on Girl" conjures up unpleasant notions of lesbian porno. Couldn't they have picked a less raunchy title?!?!? Anyway, I don't blame them. Probably to drum up viewership. Never mind, cable TV ftw.

A, A, A, A;
Possible gene sequence
Also possible PIN number
(A tautology, I know.)
To unlock what?

Cattle colleges;
Institutions of
A connective nature
Which may also dissolve
Noses with high bridges and even higher aspirations

Honour cords, tassels;
Mortarboard that sits like an
Upturned dog-dish
(Infallible! Dog may feast without fear
Of flipping dish)

Today in class we talked about the education system. I was Minister for Education for the day, a self-assumed position, because no one else from the Ministry cared to speak up. At least, I don't think I was trying to be ironic. All due respect to the Ministry, I believe in eating whole grains, and if Tharman were to pick through my rice bowl, he would certainly encounter bits of rice chaff. The Ministry people were there too, luckily they didn't see what I REALLY had to say. Glad I was taking the Ministry's stance, or might've been blacklisted as Potential Miscreant. Not that there wasn't any sense in it because there was! Glad I made them laugh. Hah, referring to them as the Ministry kind of reminds me of the Orwellian concept of BIG BRUVVER! What is it again? Miniluv, minitrue, miniplenty, minipax, and maybe we're all in a monolithic Room 101. Also talked about surveillance, load of totalitarian crap. Would be Minication! Sounds like some electronics brand. Or a miniature component of Chemistry (no such thing!).

With our thesaurus
Here we go, here we go!
Even if you saw us,
We wouldn't know, wouldn't know!

Switch your words around!
We wouldn't make a sound!

three oddest words

2007-07-17T20:02:00.000+08:00

Mahmoud Darwish

He Embraced His Murderer

He embraces his murderer. May he win his heart: Do you feel angrier if I survive?
Brother...My brother! What did I do to make you destroy me?
Two birds fly overhead. Why don't you shoot upwards? What do you say?
You grew tired of my embrace and my smell. Aren't you just as tired of the fear within me?
Then throw your gun in the river! What do you say?
The enemy on the riverbank aim his machine gun at an embrace? Shoot the enemy!
Thus we avoid the enemy's bullets and keep from falling into sin.
What do you say? You'll kill me so the enemy can go to our home
and descend again into the law of the jungle?
What did you do with my mother's coffee, with your mother's coffee?
What crime did I commit to make you destroy me?
I will never cease embracing you.
And I will never release you.

peachcake

2007-07-15T10:42:00.000+08:00

Guitarguitarguitar! I am becoming better already! :D

How do I kickstart the mugging process? By doing something delectably unintellectual (:
Cheers.

candywrapper: the song

2007-07-13T19:51:00.000+08:00

Everything has its season (:

I feel quite unfit, you know. And I keep feeling it's quite difficult to get fit again, especially with my knee injury.
Anyway, I got my phone confiscated. Tough luck! Mrs Wong was very disappointed though, boohoo. the only time I use my phone in class, and I HAVE to get caught! CURSE THE ANGLE.
Brought the Ovation to school today! Amp will be arriving on Monday for soundcheck etc. I think we'll do okay :D

Yesterday we had training, and it was OKAY, I think I'm clawing my way out of my post-season coma. Mercury after. If I am to say nothing to defame it, I can only say that the props were not bad, especially the aluminium cats, even if you take away marks for inaccurate representation of the element. Other than that. Well. (: If not for other events (outside of show) that transpired, I probably would have felt quite resentful about paying $10. :D :D :D It was quite short you know, only around an hour or less.

I ain't swearin'! Going to school tomorrow to practice with YingMings and Jiawens.

strudy

2007-07-05T19:04:00.000+08:00

Believe a bit of blogging might be in order, seeing as I haven't blogged in ages.

MAS happened on Monday and Tuesday. Was a lot funner than the ACJC Symposium! Spoke up lots more. We were Malaysia. Only so far you can go with your aggression and religious fundamentalism though. We are a peace-loving nation! Somehow our group managed to make headlines on the first day due to my (I suppose quite uncalled for) religious outbursts invoking, among others, A**ah. I tend to the idea that I was merely reiterating the extremely non-secular nature of the state! And that all decisions are guided by A**ah's teachings. Are they not? I've heard tales that he descended on Parliament and uttered the word "Bumiputra", and LO AND BEHOLD, Malays were henceforth the "chosen ones". Sorry if this sounds racist or something, but I assure you that it's not supposed to be the least bit demeaning to the Islamic religion and its followers. Only the government! Of which we were heads-of-state of anyway.
Don't think elaboration on the issues is necessary, but Malaysia's declaration was chosen for the Peace and Security Comm! Woohoo I spent quite long on that. Glad it was chosen over the Bruneian asshole's one. Next day was similar, although the food was a lot lot better! :D :D
The other NY team got best delegation, along with SCGS, although I heard that Jon Neo said our team was supposed to have won it, but they couldn't award both to the same school! So much for meritocracy. They said the decision that we were best delegation was UNANIMOUS HELLO but for the aggression and obdurateness of Yina and I, they decided not to award it to us. WHICH IS RIDICULOUS because we were both awarded Best Delegate, and if it was REALLY such a serious transgression, we'd gladly have forfeited it on an individual basis. Anyway, Cheronne and Adele also got Best Delegate. I don't hold any of the awards in very high regard though. Never mind. Heard some asshole called Zhuang Han raided the delegates bags for deodorant for his friend and used MINE. At least the compartment in which the deodorant was located contained significant number of sanitary pads which I forgot to take out after camp. (Unused, of course.)

Hate court shoes and all manner of formal wear.

Have eaten apple strudel in lieu of dinner.

Youth Day is tomorrow, then afterwards we head to the Sian's house for R+J and Sylvia, which - on the pirated disc that we are watching - reads "Slyvia". DON'T MATTER TO ME.

Many happy returns to all the delegates from MAS! Even the boys were suitably entertaining, save for the few who're making me reconsider my decision to take Humanities in Hwach.

PEACE!

perfunctory, at best.

2007-07-01T16:21:00.000+08:00

Was thinking about blogging. But, never mind, my index finger is so tender I can't use it to type. Practised a lot today.

the tapestry of dreams.

2007-06-27T20:22:00.000+08:00

Am waiting for essay to materialise by itself. Doesn't look like that'll be happening anytime soon. Something, some thing so me thing. Maybe I should write about something I actually CARE about (not that I don't think that preserving the environment is important), but writing's more enjoyable when you get to castigate The Man instead of Mankind in general (because then it would include me, and I wish to indemnify myself against that). GRRRRR what happened to the fuel of my passionate tirades about censorship in the media and gay marriage and Man (as a subset of THE MAN and men in general)?! (No, yes, no)

Have gained so much weight over the holidays, am practically wobbling with every step. Hurhur ground shake beneath feet! Treading closer to global dominion with each earth-shattering step!

Things to do, people to see. Wellwellwell if only it was the other way around, but I'm Catholic and not promiscuous. HAHAHAHAH I just remembered the time Lishian wanted to say someone was prominent/conspicuous and ended up saying "promiscuous". BAHAHA.

Shall go to confession now for laughing at someone's linguistic faux pas, which is generally regarded as an evil thing to do.

smite you oh loquacious furry animal.

2007-06-22T22:01:00.000+08:00

Do people honestly believe that other people are interested in every detail of their day? Because lots of people actually blog like that, and when I read it I think: Wtf I don't wanna know what time you got on the train or if you paid $22.55 for a teddy bear (daylight robbery!).

It's quite distressing to think that people publish play by (excruciating) play of every second of every minute of every hour. And even more distressing to think that people would want to READ that kind of rubbish. Perhaps it makes their life seem faster? I don't know.

Personally, I think it's a really dull way of blogging; sifting through your day in hours and minutes. Chronology doesn't really MATTER does it?! As opposed to the significance/importance of the events. Of course I'm not saying that details about the time and place of whatever happened could (possibly) enhance the reader's experience and supplement whatever biography blogger might be planning, but how is knowing that you brushed your teeth significant?! (Unless you kissed someone later on, then score one for you) Naturally people would assume that you HAD woken up that day, and changed your clothes, and bathed. Now, if you had done otherwise (i.e. not bathed, not woken up) THAT would be news (:

Sorry, don't see the point is all.

Brief overview should suffice what, right?!

Today we interviewed Ms Koh, who is an interesting and homely personality! :D Told us quite a bit about cinemas in the 70s, and how you could sneak 5 people in for the price of a single ticket, but apparently 21 minutes isn't enough to extract anything overwhelmingly conclusive, so guess we'll have to see about that. Island creamery for mudpie! Besieged by cigarette smoke at McD's. Melvado's for a quiet read (The Post-Birthday World by Lionel Shriver, which is unfolding quite nicely), and had quite a fun time at Rulang :D Somehow I prefer coaching girls to coaching boys.

Suppose that was overly brief, but I won't torture anyone with a minuteXminute account (: Just to reiterate the point of this entry.

with a pickpickpick

2007-06-21T21:02:00.000+08:00

We had a pickup installed in the Ovation :D:D:D
We've had camp for the past 3 days. OMFG I WAS SO TIRED AFTER COMING BACK TODAY I JUST CONKED OUT. Slept for a good 4 hours?
White spots.
Fatigue!
Stiff shoulder.
FunIguessssss.
Look, you know there are some things that are better left unblogged, and it's unlikely that I'll forget the various events (pleasant and unpleasant) that have transpired over the course of the camp. Without revealing much, the camp was - on the whole - quite enjoyable. Class party was also pretty fun, as barbeques generally are. I love cheese prawns! Just hope I have not ingested too much residual aluminium (a-LOO-min-yum or a-loo-MIN-yum?!??!?!) Am left with a prodigious vehicle-load of unfinished homework. Somehow, the word 'unfinished' seems to imply that it needs to be finished ): Nevermind, am of indefatigable constitution after the camp! Off to bathe!

the tarantella

2007-06-14T21:48:00.000+08:00

Tarantism - a nervous disorder characterized by an uncontrollable impulse to dance.
THAT'S COOL. My Word of the Day.

Anyway, I have a theory that the less you blog, the more preoccupied you are with actually living your life as opposed to recording everything down. Which is useful, don't get me wrong. For example, if you get dementia (scary!). Otherwise, some people just love blogging and nothing can pry them away from their little blogging dashboard! Not even Live From Abbey Road! [Weird words like 'jalopy' and 'tarantism' have been popping up in my head recently!] Doing (I REALISED THIS SPELLS 'doing' as in 'I am doing something' BUT IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE READ 'DOYNG') literally ran through my knee. I'm hurting, bruised and more battered than fish and chips :D Grace FINALLY turned up and she's white, and dropped a lot of weight! Late for Rulang, but there was a curious addition today who was Taylor, and the pitchers who were training dropped their balls and swivelled their heads collectively to look at him! Believe me, he's not all that but he's a nice little British boy.

I can't remember what's been going on exactly, but :D

cantons of dwarves and little giants.

2007-06-12T19:18:00.000+08:00

Haha this is my attempt at poetry. The only way that this has structure, is that the stanzas all have ten lines!

The Hazards of Eating Quickly

Biting your own tongue
Your teeth the predator, intent on drawing blood
Lurking in every bite;
Butcher's cleaver awaits the
Loin of lamb
Lift doors on careless fingers
The bread of your sandwich a blood-soaked sponge
Taste of iron and of
Irony:
that it cannot lick its own wound

No longer a bolus
Rambling down one track but
A train lost its carriage
At a junction they
Travel down adjacent pipes
One for breathing
The other for everything else
Carriage emerging gracelessly from
The breathy depths of an ungrateful
Volcano

Wind in my tummy
She says
Eat too fast already,
Lah
Peppermint oil -
a hot compress
Viscera a tiny cyclone of
Onions whipping up against
Flying cows and spinach leaves
The weather of digestion

talk about it somewhere only we know

2007-06-10T19:58:00.000+08:00

WE WON! :D GOING OUT TOMORROW WHHEEEEE. I'm directing my energy outward (:

we just know that the fight ain't fair.

2007-06-09T21:20:00.000+08:00

It's not that I don't care, it's just that I'M SO TIRED TODAY!!!11ONEONEONE
Well, got hit flush on the chin by a pitch, and now the cut makes me look like I have bad acne ): BOOHOOOOO. Have not had so much fun in the sun for ages though, and it just feels good again. Been a little sulky in the evenings though, probably because I haven't had a single day's rest this week! Coaching then training then coaching then training then gamegamegame. After the emabrrassing warm-up loss to New Town yesterday, we won all subsequent games. I didn't think I did too shabbily in the first game actually, because except for that throw that I fumbled on the cut play, it was okay... but of course, Coach doesn't see it that way. Anyway, I'm not going to do a playXplay :D No one wants to know anyway! TODAY AFTER THE AC-RI MATCH I WENT TO BRAS BASAH COMPLEX! (That's where Swee Lee's is) Omg haha spent almost 2 hours playing guitar! There's another shop opposite that doesn't have as good guitars, but the playing area is much more comfortable! Settled down with a Godin and started banging away :D Finally the guy was like "So, would you like to buy this guitar?", and obviously he meant that I should STOP playing it. I liked the $700 Godin! Actually Godins sound quite bright and they're quite resonant. The Ovation's a little more mellow, but maybe it's because we haven't changed the strings in months :S I would've got strings if I hadn't run out of money. Saw a John Lennon special edition Epiphone at Swee Lee's! OMG IT'S A BEAUTY :D:D:D:D:D Was $1800 though, wayyyyyy expensive. At least, not within my budget. I'm sure some people out there would be able to afford it, but I'm not one of them.

You know, I really wish my dad would just go down and get the strings. I wish he were more encouraging. When I wanted to start learning, he told me that Georgia would have more talent and that I should just concentrate on singing. Luckily I dismissed it as bullshit, otherwise I probably wouldn't have worked so hard to learn it on my own. Haha when I was in primary school, I always wanted to learn the guitar, but they refused to get me one and said it would be too noisy. then when my sister asked for one in P6, she got her own acoustic. Then, I was like, okay nevermind I play the Ovation and even though it's not mine it's 100000000 times better so ((((: anyway. Then, in Sec 1, she got her own electric. Of course, I'd mentioned a few times before about getting one, but he didn't want to, so I gave up asking. At the time, I didn't think she was necessarily more talented. And I still don't think so. I don't know whether it's because I play a lot more than her, or I bother to learn more than her, but I AM quite a lot better than her now. I still don't have my own guitar. Short, declarative sentences. I DO realise that it all sounds quite juvenile, but I AM TIRED AND PISSED OFF AND WHAT A POST FOR MY 300th ENTRY GAHBAHHUMBUG. I want my own guitar. And I want a good one. I want a standard issue Fender Strat, nothing fancy. I want a bright dreadnought. But of course, it all costs money. It's okay, I'll get them when I grow up! :D

HEAL THE WORLD, MAKE IT A BETTER PLACE!

full and FAT.

2007-06-05T21:38:00.000+08:00

Hellohello MY LIFE IS BORING COMPARED TO ALL THOSE 2345235351 PEOPLE WHO HAVE GONE OVERSEAS. GRRRRR.

I'm TIRED!!!!!!! I don't want to do any of this zhit like coaching. I just realised that I volunteered myself for this sdfkljhaskjfh AHHHHHHHHH. TIRED TIRED TIRED!!!!!! And worried about SRC! (Well, kind of.) training training training was alright! not bad, actually. moved slowly after lunch, where we played this card game that involved more screaming than skill. nevertheless :D fun. BYE! too tired to blog. you have to agree, though, that the Pollock-inspired flash thing at the side is COOL 8D!!!! everytime people visit, it will be different!

my sole is a jackson pollock painting.

2007-06-03T14:57:00.000+08:00

In honour of my paint-splotched sole, I have embedded a cute Jackson Pollock interactive flash window on the left side of the screen. Have fun!

(Click the mouse to change colours!)

Credit to the guy who did it! Hit any key to, ummm, see his signature appear on the window.

paint-covered toes and a nose full of turps.

2007-06-02T20:42:00.000+08:00

I'm still torn between deciding whether today was a fulfilling day (!) or whether it would have been better spent watching POTC with the lot of them/playing funny card games. We painted in the cartoons that the 4 of us drew after the rest left, and I and 2 other Hwach people (Anna and Rachel from netball?) painted THOMAS THE TRAIN TOOTOO. Only Tong, Naomi, Yiyan and Suzie stayed back ): Everyone else went off. I didn't get a really gratifying sense of satisfaction after finishing, only paint-covered toes and an overdose of paint thinner fumes. Probably enough to constitute SUBSTANCE abuse. (inside joke :D)

PEAS OUT!

(broccoli in!)

coconut cookie caramel cream.

2007-06-01T18:19:00.000+08:00

In brief: This week has been quite tiring.

Monday was good cos I didn't have to go for the Rulang coaching! Spent the day playing guitar! JANG. Then Tuesday we had WHOLE DAY TRAINING hellllooooo I haven't had that since LAST YEAR. We ate Adam Road Nasi Lemak for lunch! Was kind of expensive though. Mr Chia's son Sathya came down to join us after his feed! He's cute! And he's even cuter when he's laughing AND I CAN MAKE HIM LAUGH HOHOH :D After the whole ordeal I was pretty tired. Guess I must be losing my fitness. If that wasn't enough though, next two days was combined tryouts under TEH BLAZING SUN. Enter Friday, training again. I was feeling so shagged by today. It wasn't so much a achey tired, but more a I-can't-summon-my-Herculean-strength-right-now kind of tired ): Couldn't throw properly, but I must say it was probably one of the better and more productive trainings I've had thus far. Then afterwards we trooped over to Coro to eat at Golden Rooster. Was about to go home but Doing wanted to go check her guitar lesson out (in cool swagger jang fashion!) so went with Charlotte (the harlot HAHA) and her to King's Arcade. Turned out there wasn't any lesson! So we went to Melvado's to eat brownie! First time in my life. It was good. Haha but when it arrived we fell upon it like a pack of wolves and we were scraping the plate after 5 minutes. In my opinion, the brownie wasn't all that great, but the whole hot-plate-ice-cream-chocolate-sauce did it for me. Then spent the next 45 minutes or so talking nonsense. I've never actually been out with them before, so it was (for lack of a better word) nice, especially since I don't usually get to hang around with the juniors all that much. They're quite funny (: Having said that though, they probably entertained me so much I completely forgot that I had tuition ): So SHE'S HERE NOW!!! BYE

HAHAHAHA.

2007-05-28T20:43:00.000+08:00

Okay lah, disillusionment! I'll go google that. How presumptuous, I think, that you thought you would have crossed his mind. And even more, to expect they would endure, when you knew they wouldn't. Apart from being brutally honest, I'd have to say that there's nothing you're not capable of doing (:

Googles

Haha. Oh, you're right. Try not to be unduly worried! On the up, I've been more relaxed than I've ever been. I've actually been able to do things I want to do. Then again, there are so many things I wish I could be doing. A number of things have fuelled my irrational (and quite unhealthy) fear of growing old. Namely, watching ABOUT SCHMIDT (oh-so-depressing) and the ancient Buddhist koan "Youth is wasted on the young" (HAHA OKAY it's not Buddhist, but you would know!). But it's so horribly true, and I've got to stop it from happening. I've got to DO something. Do something other than fritter my youth away. AHHHH FLAMING KETCHUPZXZX! I'm quite calm. I keep wanting to do all these things, but I never seem to be able to muster even the tiniest grain of willpower to get up and do them. I wish I was six again. What happened between then and now? LIFE HAPPENED DAMN IT. GROWING UP HAPPENED, AND ALL THE SHIT THAT COMES ALONG WITH IT :D

Okay, I suppose I'm largely pissed off. With everything, basically. With people whom I understand, people whom I don't have a clue about, people whom I once knew (or thought I knew, at least) but now happen not to know anymore. And, people whom I so desperately want to get to know. Plus, you know what else pisses me off? People who don't observe even basic social etiquette, re-runs of cooking shows, bad chocolate, rusty strings, pseudo-sophistication, old toothbrushes (I like the new and perky ones), soggy anything.

The things I love though? I really appreciate if you've made the effort even when I haven't. Thank you. And I love a good dessert! (Wait, singularly?! DESSERTS :D) Most importantly though, who I love? The people I'm supposed to love (and whom I don't love enough), and the people whom I'm not supposed to love (but do anyway). AND JOHN MAYER, HELLO!!! <333 Or more specifically, his music (: I love all the old skool blues guitarists too! And I've been nursing a newborn crush on new skool bluegrass!!111oneoneonehundredandeleventyone :D :D

After all the jacks are in their boxes
And the clowns have all gone to bed
You can hear happiness staggering on down the street
Footsteps dressed in red
And the wind whispers Mary

thelusive

2007-05-27T13:33:00.000+08:00

It seems to be taking me forever to hit the elusive 300th post! YEAH SURE, GO AHEAD AND SNEER YOU PATHOLOGICAL BLOGSESSERS! I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOUR 100000 POSTS AND YOUR LIFE (OR LACK THEREOF) OF FIDDLING WITH HTML AND PHOTOBUCKET. DIE SCUM, DIE! sjkfhasj......!

Had training yesterday, and it was a good training mainly because quite a few people turned up! We've had quite dismal attendance to past couple of trainings ): We went out for lunch at Curry Wok after a little crisis involving the storeroom lock (THIS RHYMES), and found 'tis PRETTY GOOD VALUE FOR MUNNY!! I say, it is probably better than Thai Noodle House, especially after they were featured on TV and everything... You know what they say about how success changes a person? Well, if Thai Noodle House was a person, success has certainly turned it into an ungrateful, income-centric little brat. The food's still good though. Was the ONLY ONE GOING HOME after that! ):

Parents are in M'sia playing golf now, so I'm all lonesome and scared to go to sleep at night. I spend my night drowning my sorrowz in gr33n t3a. I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to do today, especially since my right index finger has a little cut on it, and it protests every time I want to play 'My Stupid Mouth' on the guitar. UGH I feel like such a sham! A LOSER BY MY SHEER EXISTENCE!HELLO I MISS YOU.

what is essential

2007-05-23T21:10:00.000+08:00

I shall google "feeling sucky" :D Today I was kind of lethargic and I think I really need to get some of exercise into my system before I feel better, but when I'm lethargic I simply cannot summon the energy or the volition to exercise, so I just become more lethargic. It's a vicious cycle.

WHYWHYWHY! I should be happy.
I cannot write.
I cannot produce anything resembling a logical argument.
Everything sounds so contrived. I hate this. I hate the way I'm feeling.

LH, progesterone, oestrogen

2007-05-20T10:27:00.000+08:00

PMSPMSPMS?! I deny everything. Although I'm in one of my weird, emotionally-distraught moods that require tempering with chocolate. I refuse to eat the 85% though, because I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE IT MAN EVERYONE JUST STFU AND DON'T LAMBAST MY CHOICE OF WHITE CHOCOLATEdsalgjkg. It was a relief (but also, HORRIFYING!!11oneoneone) having identified the root cause of my 5 minute intervals of lachrymationICRY. Of course I could have attributed it to, you know, a severely deprived childhood (as is the irrefutable right of all Angsters), but I succumbed to the rational (and MORE COMFORTING) conclusion of PMSPMSPMS!

Bahaha excuse the incoherence. I handed in my LA portfolio yesterday! I hope he doesn't find out that my SRQ on gay marriage is missing. Maybe he'll assume it was an oversight and FORGIVE ME but I don't think so. He's probably going through a relentless phase now. Somehow I get the feeling he doesn't really like me, but I don't find myself overly concerned about this. Sure, he's not a bad teacher, and he certainly tries to make things interesting for us, but I don't really feel that there's any connection there. You know? Well, you know what I mean! It's not like the kind of jocular relationship I have with Mrs Wong, or the tolerance of MS Ong (LH), but maybe it's because he's a guy. But hey, Paul Tan is a guy. CALVIN LEE IS A GUY (I PRESUME <3333). Maybe it's because he's a dean. [Random, but before I came to NY I always thought the term "dean" only applied to names (ala James Dean) but now I am the wiser :D] NEVER MIND I am wasting kilobytes of storage space talking about him :D I'd just like to thank him for letting me hand it in on Saturday though.

Later on I went home and managed to finish Taegukgi and watched The Da Vinci Code (WHICH WAS BORING SOMETIMES AND BAD MOST OF THE TIME and it had a tacky car chase with Tatou driving in reverse) and I managed to learn 'Victoria'! It is deceptively simple. Thai Noodle house with Lisian, Zhuo Xuan and the Perpetually Late Yina. Then Tiptoe through the Tombstones at Hwach where I saw Christine (<3!) and her toyboys, one of whom wanted to call me 'Fluffy' and I realised that it was from FINDING NEMO THE DENTIST'S NIECE. Shudder. Went home. Slept. Woke up. And here I am in chocolate-induced state of semi-consciousness.

See you later.

nutellafrenzy

2007-05-13T10:53:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling uncharacteristically angsty (or characteristically angsty, whichever way you like it), and I'm heaty from yesterday STILL. My lips are burning. I think it's sunburn. Yeah, I think it's sunburn. Hey, I like Goo Goo Dolls. I suddenly realise Let Love In is really good and catchy and mmmmm. And I think Here Is gone is probably one of their better tunes.
And I got my defenses
When it comes to your intentions for me
And we wake up in the breakdown
Of the things we never thought we could be
And even though sometimes their lyrics don't make much sense, the music is good!

I wish I was rich.
I wish I was better.
I wish I could do whatever I wanted.
I wish I'd paid more attention when they told me to be a good girl.
!!! THIS IS SO BLASPHEMOUS HELLO WHAT IF ONE DAY IT TURNED OUT CHRISTIANITY WAS AN ELABORATE COVER UP FOR AN EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR THAT GOT BLOWN OUT OF PROPORTION.
): Die, I'm going to hell.

could you pencil me in?

2007-05-13T00:17:00.000+08:00

12 AM. Can't sleep. My left ankle/leg is swollen. Suzie hit me during BP, and I fell down getting onto the bus. It hurts. My other leg kind of aches too. In fact, I'm aching all over because I'm so tired. Hot. Burning burning burning. I think I'll go read soon.

I'll send an S.O.S. to

MND was alright, I suppose. Honestly I don't really want to blog about it, because nothing much happened. It happened, the players played, I went home thoroughly enriched by all the Shakespearean dialogue whirling around in my head. Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? No, actually, I think it's too hot for a metaphor like this. Sweating buckets.

I'm taking the Harvard Moral Sense Test right now. You can try it here. It's pretty interesting lah, typical moral dilemma questions describing hypothetical situations like: IF YOU SEE ******** WALKING TOWARDS YOU AND YOU WANT TO HIT HER BUT YOU DON'T INTEND TO HIT HER BUT THEN, YOUR HAND SUDDENLY SWIVELS OUT OF NOWHERE AND HITS HER. HOW MUCH PUNISHMENT DO YOU DESERVE?

PUNISH ME. SLAUGHTER ME WITH A DAMN PARANG GUYS.

I did it after reading about the biological study of morality and hey if you injure my frontal cortex, I won't be able to tell what's wrong and what's right. Hip hip hooray.

I think someone once said, All art is the dissolution of a dream.
And then what about the dissolution of art? The composition of reality, maybe.
Bahaha I feel like a pendulum, oscillating between this reality and the next reality, which cannot be less real than this one. dysphoria/euphoria good/bad ugly/pretty belief/belief.

deep dark solicitous.

2007-05-08T20:04:00.000+08:00

One word: Exhaustion. Applies to my mental/physical disposition right now. Not so much physical as mental lah. Stayed back today to give the C div PT. I'm concerned, but not as concerned as I should be. I need to do more for them, more for them, more for them.

Have to complete my freaking SRQ-which-I-forgot-about, and the tests haven't been encouraging (but not entirely discouraging either) and there are so many things happening I can't think I can't sleep properly because it's so hot.

Cross the line.

bring me back home.

2007-05-07T20:49:00.000+08:00

Maybe the Wicked Witch of the West told Dorothy to Fuck Off. Like, click your effing nine-inch heels and go back to Texas. Wait, Dorothy was from Texas? Texas is one of the states in America that has the highest percentage of obese people, and it has cowboys and cheese. Cowboys+Cheese+Deep-fried twinkies = ?

The water smells different tonight, and it tastes odd too. Must be because they changed the connector thing in the shower. Not like I'm going to get arsenic poisoning or anything. Hope not, haha. Just now I felt swollen with a deluge of injustice, but after my shower I don't feel anything like that anymore.

My heart is in the coffin there with Caesar, and I must pause till it come back to me.

honey stars for dinner.

2007-05-05T20:18:00.000+08:00

I hate mee rebus. Today was quite weird - not entirely surreal, not completely unpleasant, but not something that I'd really look forward to in trainings to come. 4 of us from our batch were there, because the O level girls have mid-years next week. Training was: quiet, uneventful and slack. Sec ones don't talk at all! Alright, that might be a slight exaggeration, but they don't even chat when they're doing sets or anything! So freaky. Coach was like, "Got noise. Good, I like noise." when we arrived. Anyway, looks like that's the way it's going to be for a long time. Spent quite a long time reminiscing about our younger days!! Makes me feel so old and nostalgic. Will probably be going for the juniors match on Monday? And perhaps the AC-RJ match on Wednesday. I don't know if I really want to go, or if I'm going for the sake of going. Went out to Thai Noodle House after training! I had olive rice, but only because they only had the $6 tom yum. On hindsight, maybe I should have ordered the tom ym, because olive rice always makes me feel kind of bloated :\ But it was nice lah, because I haven't gone out with them in quite a while. There were 8 of us, so not too bad :D

I really can't find any words to express what I feel about softball and trainings and the past and the present and the future ): Nostalgia is like eating a stale apple pie - a soggy, stolid mess reminiscent of its former flavour, but no longer as satisfying.

I was going to

2007-05-04T20:49:00.000+08:00

stop.

Maybe we should talk about today. The concept of stress is no longer a foreign one (!) Chinese exam then not-so-frantic rushing of Chem SIA, partially due to the very laggy servers and computers. So I posted a poll on the whiteboard of Comp Lab One: Are the computers in this room slow? The results were - Yes 1 No 0 at press time. :D Some Sec ones laughed at it. I think people who don't do work in group work are foul, loathsome, repulsive ARGH INSERT ADJECTIVE VILEST DETRITUS FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE JURONG ISLAND CHEMICAL DUMP.

Whatever. You're so not worth my time.
I am ________ (:

school spirit?

2007-05-02T22:03:00.000+08:00

Taking a break from Chem SIA! Managed to do it up at http://discover-jurongisland.blogspot.com. It's riveting, I'm sure (: Anyway, there's been a lot of hooha about school spirit of late, and I was reading something in Fascist Rock (Claire Tham, Singaporean ladayyy) that's pretty relevant and that I think captures the essence of the whole issue quite well (albeit with lashings of cynicism.) Nonetheless! :D

What really irritated her was the whole issue of college spirit, however. People seemed to think it was a magic word to galvanise a tardy college into action, and pupils sat around in groups earnestly discussing how they could chalk up the college spirit index. Suggested solutions: cheering sessions, false enthusiasm and a lot of talks about it by the school principal, who bore a striking resemblance to W. C. Fields. It was all play-acting, a big con-game designed to give a seething mass of pupildom some sense of legitimacy. Perhaps that was necessary. But she did wish somebody else besides the cynical, affluent, blase prats of the humanities classes would point out the fragility and essentially synthetic quality of the college spirit ruse.

Baha what do you think? Doesn't personify NY's situation per se but I think it's an interesting take (: And one that most people would secretly agree with too, judging from the marked lack of enthusiasm that I've seen in my peers with regards to cheering.

whoawhoa stop it.

2007-05-01T14:27:00.000+08:00

! I am alarmed about a couple of things.

1. Maths (For the record, I've googled this like 10 0000000 times already and it's British. Math is American.)
2. Chinese
3. ___________!

:S This is supposed to indicate confusion, but I'm not so much confused as I am alarmed.

Hey man I got myself into this mess. Didn't pay a whole lot of attention, didn't make the effort to go find out. It's MY FAULT **** and if no one can help me, then too bad. Yeah I can't expect to have someone sitting here and helping me, and I don't like to bother Mrs Wong on Labour Day haha. Plus, it's difficult to learn on MSN (even though Jiawen's been a godsend <3)! But I'm going to be okay I think! Just got to be +ve and even if I don't do brilliantly for this one, I'll have to make sure I ace the next one, that's all (:

ugh

2007-04-28T19:46:00.000+08:00

Today has been a really bad day. My stomach is lurching.
Dropped my phone and some asshole took it.
Then Amandas and I walked around looking for a bloody place to do Mathsssss. Finally sat down at a little past two.
Met Yina and Jamie and we went to BK where I ate really quickly and got a badass stomachache.
I'm going to fail quite badly. skgjhasgkj I HATE THE WORLD!!!!! I HATE YOU TOO, IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING!

one week.

2007-04-28T08:08:00.001+08:00

Whammy bar. I know, sometimes we all do stupid things. But I don't understand how these things are still hanging on meat hooks in front of me. Get over it already lah!

:D I'm playing better now!! Bahaha got to keep practising dudes!

But I know the Heart of Life is good.

cliffs of dover

2007-04-21T11:34:00.000+08:00

Eric Johnson's Cliffs Of Dover PWNZ salkfhasdjkfha!!!!11oneoneoneonehundredandeleventyone! HAHA ZOMG IF I HAD FAST FINGERS. It's a really cool song to listen to. I really need to go and do some scaling, seriously. I'll probably get rid of this white page soon. The only thing I feel now is guitarsqueal. I totally guitarsqueal you, man. If I could play a song like Cliffs Of Dover I would just die from guitar virtuosity.
:D:D Spent the morning playing the electric (because the acoustic has a really rusty B and e! Horrible to play.) and watching the Yankees give up a 4 run lead. I don't know, you see our tragedy reflected in theirs haha. I declare that if I want my future son to play guitar, I will call him Eric! Eric Clapton/Johnson FTW!

domestic.

2007-04-20T20:15:00.000+08:00

They've all gone out to some wedding dinner at Raffles Town Club, involving people they've never even heard of (with the exception of Mama, who knows our relatives 5 times removed). Anyway, I'm Home Alone. I should have my own movie, except, there probably wouldn't be any burglars and no cute boy running about stark nekkid. It would just be me illicitly downloading rock songs with mindblowing guitar solos. Haha, the plot would probably run something along the lines of IP police trying to track me down, and me foiling their attempts with electrified doorknobs and tins of Nippon Odourless. Great. Doesn't that spell box-office success already?

Haven't brogggged in such a long time. I don't think people really care if I update anyway, because half the time they can't understand what I'm talking about. (I'm shrugging my shoulders in an extremely blase[accent on the 'e'!] manner. I hesitate to say 'shrug'. Ugh. Rhymes!) And even if they did, there's no telling how interested people would actually be, and I can only assume the logical answer to be: not much. However, I'm looking forward to our study session tomorrow. Hiphiphooray.

I don't want to feel how I feel because sometimes you can feel things wrongly. My heart hasn't been touched yet, so don't you be the first to break it.

If we go back 4 years or so, I would have felt differently. If I knew how much of a mess I'd create for myself later on, I'd probably have tried to avoid it. Then again, maybe not. It's the kind of mess you can't decide whether you want to sink into or scramble out of. See, the ultimate paradox (: I wonder what it's like to switch places with the Mess. You know, be the mess. That would be nice. I don't think I'd have the heart to get other people into a mess though. No, nonono.

Lady in Red? (Is dancing with me.)

why don't you like me?

2007-04-17T21:05:00.000+08:00

:D HAHA this is so late, but I really love 'Grace Kelly' by Mika and the first time I heard it I was like "THIS IS SO FREDDIE MERCURY" and sure enough, he makes a reference to Freddie in the lyrics! I hate people who do lyrics posts all the time, but this one's an exception!

I guess I'm a little bit shy
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me without making me try?

I try to be like Grace Kelly
But all her looks were too sad
So I try a little Freddie
I've gone identity mad!

I could be brown
I could be blue 
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple 
I could be anything you like
Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you walk out the door!
How can I help it
How can I help it
How can I help what you think?
Hello my baby
Hello my baby
Putting my life on the brink
Why don't you like me
Why don't you like me
Why don't you like yourself?
Should I bend over?
Should I look older just to be put on the shelf?

I try to be like Grace Kelly
But all her looks were too sad
So I try a little Freddie
I've gone identity mad!

I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like
Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you walk out the door!

Say what you want to satisfy yourself
But you only want what everybody else says you should want

I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like
Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you walk out the door!

Lost.

2007-04-16T21:39:00.000+08:00

Phwoar. Now you can even tell when your employees are PMS-ing.

"India 'to drop' menstrual forms"

Apparently they can be used to assess employees' "fitness levels". I just think that's flagrantly sexist. Is that politically correct? DO I care if it's politically correct? Hmm. But never mind, it can also serve as a convenient excuse!

Boss: Eh, you made 13385 typos in the report!
Employee: Hurhur sorry, got cramps!

Except, they'd do it in an Indian accent, rounded consonants and the like.

Today was a day of Mistakes Realised and Questions Asked. Never mind that we lost. It doesn't matter much to me. There are things that I worry about all the time, that I'm sure lots of people worry about too, and that I can't rationalise my way out of thinking about. Argh. Some parts of me are so insecure they might as well disintegrate and get pounded into the earth, then at least they can serve as a (disputable) form of fertiliser. Not so bad.
There is no "in other news". There is no other news. You want news? Go and buy it, because that's how it's made anyway. If people didn't buy news, other people wouldn't sell news, and the people who made news wouldn't actually make news, because no one would be interested and therefore what would have otherwise been considered news would no longer be news. And besides, I'm only interested in the rehashed and the recycled and even the Same Old Story! I failed Chinese. You probably have no idea how lousy that makes me feel.

See, here I am talking to you about how silly it is to be scared, but at the same time I'm terrified at the idea of telling you that yesyesyesyessssss it's petrifying.

hoping you'll make up your mind.

2007-04-14T19:36:00.000+08:00

In the dark, on the phone
You tell me the names of your brothers
And your favorite colors
I'm learning you
And when it snows again
We'll take a walk outside
And search the sky
Like children do

Haha I wish I could write lyrics like that. Actually it's relatively simple isn't it? Hmm. Eh can leh cancan just practice (:

I love Man On the Side too! It's so sad. Virtuosity is something I can 99% probably never achieve, but we haven't studied Probability yet, so I might be wrong. Still, I've known my gut all my life. Never mind, it has never been my calling anyway! I have a place to go!

steely. Mr Wolfowitz, you have my permission to resign.

2007-04-14T11:17:00.000+08:00

I don't even think I can take it, and I'll end up collapsing anyway. But I am steely, very steely! I'd like to believe I am.

In other news, there is no training today. Lishian has to go for steamboat with her parents tonight so our thing has been postponed to tomorrow ): Going to Boat Quay and then Chinatown for ALMOND PASTE. I want almond paste. What if I want almond paste but I can't have almond paste? Does it mean I forget about almond paste? Or maybe I'll think about almond paste, write about almond paste, draw almond paste, pretend that almond paste doesn't exist. Does it mean that I find a reasonable substitute for almond paste? Chocolate being a case in point then, haha. Only because the realm of dreams is untouchable.

He baffles me. It's quite funny actually, to draw parallels with someone else's words, find some sort of resonance in YOUR own little misshapen BEING. I'm sorry if I made anyone feel like they had to make a guarantee, because it's enormously hypocritical for someone like me to expect that of anybody.

They're having this Battle Royale-esque movie starring wrestlers. How exciting.

muchly, love. I cannot change you.

2007-04-13T22:02:00.000+08:00

Today was fun, and I am what you might consider relatively happy, as opposed to the emo (eLmo, as Liza has reiterated multiple times) effluvium that I supposedly produce. Why do you think that? Auntie Dina popped by school and had lunch with her! :D Then we had lessons that didn't pass too slowly, and people seemed more congenial today, which is always a good thing. Went back, had less tuition than usual, and went for the PTM. Spent it slacking around half-listening to the speaker, and making noise with Amandas in the auditorium which resulted in Linda Chang exercising her Right to Reprimand. It's okay, personally I think Amandas talks louder than I do, even though I'm the one who has to shut up all the time. It's not fair, is it? NO :D But no one can shut me up, no one! Stayed and yakked with Mrs Wong and a couple of people who were down there. Mrs Wong talked to my parents, and I realised we made quite a bit of noise. I've used the word 'noise' twice already, not counting this one. Let's use a synonym! Babel, clamour, din HULLABALLOO (I love this word :D)

I could fill this with lines of words I cannot say:
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________

I could never blame you.

don't be trippin'

2007-04-12T21:10:00.000+08:00

Hello. I would like to describe the way ________ but I am afraid it might alter the extremely delicate balance in __________. I wouldn't be able to take it. I don't understand these paroxysms of anger and attraction.
I managed to complete my essay on censorship, but it was a rambling, ranting piece more than anything; I sounded like some irate director who'd been prosecuted under the Films Act or something. My head, my heart is probably doing some censoring of its own, which is maybe the reason why I can't produce anything pertinent. It took me ages to churn out that essay, and I consider it a really scrappy piece of work compared to some of the stuff I know I'm capable of producing. I need to get my act together. I think there's something missing from me, but I don't know what. Take yourself back to where you came from, your tongue, your ears, your eyes, you hands, your feet. And then you are 10 again; your heart jumps at the prospect of a trip to the zoo. 5, and you cannot take the school bus on your own (so she holds your hand). 2, you still think Santa Claus is real. 000000000000 adrift in an amniotic silence, you exist; only, the world hasn't been born yet.
I was reading this article in Discovery (Science mag. Geeky, I know, but it's really interesting!) about how people think they can distinguish the smell of money because it's metallic. But no actually, it's because money smells like blood.
You could smell like a warm, comforting breath from an oven baking apple strudel and vanilla frosting and chocolate cake and something else. Or you could be laundry, drying in the wind. It could be something that I love smelling, like newborns, or closeness, or the rain or All Of The Above. Goodnight, I wish I had the resolve of a martyr.

sink. I want to ____

2007-04-09T21:32:00.000+08:00

I'm stuck. Very stuck. I can't seem to produce anything coherent anymore. Nothing. Even though I know what I want to write, I can't write it. Maybe I need to get all depressed and pensive to write. Help me. It's not so hard, Noelle!

Fear is a friend that's misunderstood.
I don't want to be scared. I really really really don't want to become another

I don't want to.
Whatever I say, it is probably not of any consequence and I probably do my best talking when I don't talk, and my best writing when I don't write so go away stop asking me to say things or write things. I find it very difficult to do exposition. I'm not a rational or organised person. I have a Chinese test tomorrow. I have a semi-final match tomorrow, and all I want to do now is play guitar, even though my fingertips hurt (from what?). YESYES OSTENSIBLY SO DEAR, I WOULD LIKE SOMETHING TO TEMPT MY TASTE BUDS, MAYBE SOMETHING SOUR, MAYBE SOMETHING THAT REEKS OF TRAGEDY (LIKE DURIAN, OR SANDALWOOD) AND WHEN I SAY I could **** you I really mean I could **** ME, because then is it about me?

not so heavy.

2007-04-08T21:38:00.000+08:00

He fumbles at your spirit
As players at the keys
Before they drop full music on;
He stuns you by degrees,

Prepares your brittle substance
For the ethereal blow,
By fainter hammers, further heard,
Then nearer, then so slow

Your breath has time to straighten,
Your brain to bubble cool, --
Deals one imperial thunderbolt
That scalps your naked soul.

Emily Dickinson! Don't call her an old, disillusioned hag! She pwnz man! This one's called He Fumbles At Your Spirit, and only, I suspect, because she neglected to name it like she did her many other poems. But that is just a suspicion! I wonder if people study Dickinson. They'd be Dickinsonian scholars then, wouldn't they! So, I don't claim to be no Dickinsonian scholar. I don't know. It's funny though, because I wonder if Dickinson ever knew love if she could write about it.
Burns did, you know, in his famous Red, Red Rose metaphor.

But Mousie, thou art no thy lane,
In proving foresight may be vain;
The best-laid schemes o' mice an' men
Gang aft agley,
An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain,
For promis'd joy!

He's nice to read I suppose, but the Scottish gets in the way and I don't understand a lot!
The best-laid schemes of mice and men often go awry.
Then I fear also that I've made some kind of fatal error.

the brink

2007-04-08T15:13:00.000+08:00

It's suddenly occurred to me how I cannot be honest,
how, how, how after the drought a deluge of words,
a length of time I get so __________ choleric
about nothing to _________ with and everything _______ I've completely lost
Of things we _________ and shouldn't do to make it ________
you're right, it can't sustain ____
and it's not fucking poetry the way we write it
It's just not fill-in-the-blank
something I am Half of
and I want to turn off my _______
stop beating
(Staccato, is that Italian?)
you don't take me _______
just don't _______ me
Nothing is ever beautiful and true
Then write _______

one big sigh.

2007-04-07T17:50:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was Coach's party! It was huge, but I had fun! Eunice, Poh and I formed a team called Charlie's Angels to play pool with the guys and we beat them! Twice! WORH! The whole thing was fun, basically. Haha we played Taitee and ate and ate and showed Coach the video montage which was funny! I swear they made me do the Don'cha! The guys can probably scream shriller than me, and they were bloody noisy lah -.- Played a rather deflating round of pool (Charlie's Angels regrouped!) against Coach's son and his girlfriend (Jacqueline I think?) and LOSTLOSTLOST ): they're REALLY good, esp the Girlfriend who is COOOL! And we made Coach and Mrs Coach kiss, haha and Mrs Coach wanted to sabo everyone to kiss Coach too, but SORRY NO WAY :D HAHAHA. Went home at around 10. Tired.

My 2nd aunt's mother just passed away, and she was baptised on her deathbed. First of all, my condolences. But, I just don't get how people become deathbed Christians. I'm sorry, I just don't know if it's an attempt to play it safe "in case there really is a God". SIGH. I don't know? Happy Holy Saturday. Tomorrow is Easter!

I want to be so rational that it hurts. I want my heart to be so clean that it's raw. I don't know what to think anymore, so I'm going to stop altogether.

1. ________
2. ________
3. ________

I'm really tired.

2007-04-06T10:49:00.000+08:00

Church just ended. Whoa 10.48AM. I think I drink I fink Mink Hink Jink Linkssldfkjhs. He died for people who didn't love Him. Haha. Happy Good Friday people (: Yesterday was tiring. Adele's party :D RGS match (4-0!)General Fun-ness. Later on going to Coach's bash too! Will also be pretty fun, and I suspect, probably more lively than yesterday. Was watching Shakespeare in Love halfway this morning. I think I shall go finish watching it now.

As is your plan - Fate - crucify me as well. Your duplicity
Or my Foolishness
Let me Bre
ak it down for you

when you're dreaming with a broken heart!

2007-04-03T22:09:00.000+08:00

The only thing I would like to say about today is: NYSB, that was one of the greatest shows of mental toughness, team spirit, and determination that I have ever seen. Everyone did such a great job of holding on together. I can't tell you how proud I am ((((:

I think also, I realised what it was to play in the present, even for a little bit while I was at bat. Sure, I made this silly mistake that cost us a run, but I rose to the occasion when the team needed me and made a hit and kept the game alive! So I'm glad about that, even though there isn't much else to be excited about in the way I played.
Thanks for today guys!

You know how sometimes people want to be the First?
I can't help wanting to be the Last, sometimes. You know, The Last.
Last to leave the room, last to finish eating, last person whom you were truthful to, last last last. People remember their First, and people remember their Last. I don't mind being either, but there are less people gunning to be Lasts, so I'll probably have a higher chance of nicking that one. Either way, I'd feel content.
And besides, Liverpool beat Arsenal 4-1 over the weekend, and that's something I forgot to rejoice about in this blog. WHOOAHOHSAFAS!!!!! LIVERPOOL, LIVERPOOL! You'll never walk alone!

this one's for you.

2007-04-01T11:42:00.000+08:00

We can't make a single flea, but we're creating gods by the dozens.
I feel like screaming something at them, but I feel so so sad for her. It's not right. It's not right. Sometimes I think she deserves to be loved more than the others.
She's his, which is why she's still here, even though she shouldn't be.

Where has your power gone, Noelle?

Smoky transigence. Everything dulled by a blanket of slate - that is, my descent into profligacy. (Who am I kidding?) Denigration of conscience, four-lettered profanities, empty bottles (without S.O.S.es in them: Save yourself) from eating too much and sleeping too little, putting Everything in one box and Nothing in another, switching allegiances faster than you can say JackandJillwentupthehilltofetchapailofwater
Godknowswhattheydiduptheretheycamedownwithadaughter in one breath,
pretentious essays that walk around (doing what else?) pretending, entirely one-sided conversations with inanimate objects, when someone makes you hold your breath, when things mean things they never meant before, when you kid yourself, when you don't kid yourself, broad beans that leave your throat dry, letters for people who will never read them, mastering the art of Detection, unfolding the fabric of your needy existence, Voice unravelling like a spool of thread in the limpid water of Knowledge.
All signs of madenssmadnessmadness, lunacy; think of one word then be reminded of another. A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you actually want to use, he says hahaha. An antonym is that to neutralise what was said. (I Hate you vs. I'm Sorry)
What was it I wanted to say again? I forgot.
Let us dissect the meaning of the word 'conscience'. We shall start with the most basic process in the study of semantics and examine the Root, the Origin of the word. Is it French? German? Actually, it is from Latin conscientia, which means to be conscious of. Equipped with this tool that imparts consciousness, then we should be fully aware of what we are doing, and the consequences of our actions. However, this is something that needs to be thrown into question, because even in full lucidity, we claim not to know what we are doing, and we do things for which we later renounce responsibility for. Then it is to do what is right (what is right?). We could also break it up into two parts, con and science.
To con would mean to deceive, to swindle.
Science, though self-explanatory, refers to any system of objective knowledge.
Conscience - the two words used in tandem - could then be construed to mean a deception of objective knowledge, a ruse.
Then, conscience ceases to exist, and a million consciences cannot atone for the outrage of one.

little puzzle pieces

2007-03-31T16:47:00.000+08:00

This is so cool, you have to go: http://www.nikon.co.jp/main/eng/feelnikon/discovery/universcale/index_f.htm

Kudos to Nikon. I'm tiny. Because I'm tiny, whatever happens to me can't matter that much, which is why I should try to have as much fun as possible, and although it doesn't matter, I can change the world by breathing! Breathe! I don't matter. I wish I could publish a list of things I would say to all of You if I dared.1. You should seriously grow an opinion. I like you though. 2. I don't actually think I'm sorry for being so cruel to you, but I know how much it hurts. 3. I don't know what's up with you, maybe it's me. 4. You all aren't people that I'm going to talk to in 10 years, but I like you for now (: 5. I think I love you, but it's safer not to think so.
How stark. I've blown some covers before, and I wouldn't be surprised if you did mine. Today was really funny though. Weeding Day (: Will remember it! Last year's swimming costume gag was EVEN BETTER though. Hilarious. On the whole, training was fun but not very pleasant due to bad weather.
1. Squelch.
2. Rain.
3. When Sunshine After The Rain doesn't actually herald better times. Air was so thick, felt like I was breathing in water.

I will not think about what I shouldn't think about. I'd hate to be disappointed.

a heartbreaking equilibrium.

2007-03-30T21:17:00.000+08:00

For a second, I thought about licking the drop of soup from the surface of the desk. Then, as my tongue hovered over the (seemingly innocuous) broth-filled globule, I stopped myself!! Whatwhat how could I suck it into the enormous vacuity that is my mouth hohhohohohosakdfhaskdflhasdk Nonsense.

I"m alright being on the losing end. As long as I feel good doing it.

you'll see soon.

2007-03-27T19:54:00.000+08:00

We be speaking funny, I be thinking I strong.

Today was a really sleepy lethargic 6. 666666666.
Training was more or less Good with a capital G, because I batted well (!) after having a dry spell for a while. And I didn't really feel all that tension, but maybe it's because I was too zonked to feel the tension. Either way, it's good. Thought I wouldn't be able to keep alert, especially since I was SO tired, I slept through the whole of lunch. I really slept. Went to the back of the class and sprawled out on top of the cabinets. Last night I woke up really really itchy, and I'd been falling in and out of sleep for the past few hours scratching. So at 4.30a.m. I realised it must be something other than mosquito bites, because I was getting them everywhere, even behind my ears. Took an antihistamine (now I know why Sheryl and Yina became junkies, because they really work!) and then went back to sleep. However, since I didn't really get any REM sleep, I was semi-aching everywhere for the whole day, even my fingers (whose nails I vow not to bite anymore starting Now because I nibbled on them absentmindedly Just.)

You can't use a $500 bat without the skillz baby.

Today, I promise to stop.
What I've done is basically bad for me, bad for you, bad for them, bad for us.
But everytime I promise to stop doing something, I still end up breaking that promise. And, everything is a force of habit.
Habit.
A bit.
Bit.
It.
Affection is a habit. Affection and Affectation are both habits.

grapes are the best fruit.all other fruits please don't get jealous.

2007-03-26T19:54:00.000+08:00

Worked out. Whew.

Semantics. We argue semantics. Words have meanings?? We have books where you can look up the Meanings of Words, and they even tell you how these words are used in a sentence, and how they are pronounced, and where they come from... If we have dictionaries for Words, then why do we not have similar lexicons for the Unspoken things, the things that we want to say don't say, or the things that we want to do but don't do, or Looks or Unanswered Questions or Smells or the ubiquitous Others.
I would like to describe to you what a lexicon of smells would be like, but that's an Unfinished Thought or a Half-Baked Idea, which belongs in a dictionary too.
Gone, gone gonegone gonegoneoneoenoee
Do you want to know what it looks like? My smile: my skin; my words: my viscera.

Overcompensate.
Overcompensate.
Overcompensate.
Overcompensate.
Overcompensate.
Overcompensate.
Overcompensate.
Overcompensate.
Overcompensate.
Overcompensate.
Overcompensate.
Overcompensate.
Overcompensate.
Overcompensate.
Overcompensate.
Overcompensate.

leave.

2007-03-26T18:05:00.000+08:00

I survive on the breath you're finished with, but it's okay.
I can always deal.
You can be scared today and angry tomorrow and helpless all the time, but it's okay. I'm not even half-awake from delirium. Agueagueit'stheague! The pieces don't fit. How can these things make your heart race (it's impossible) I filled up the sheet with words, words over and over again until the whole sheet was covered with scrawling, little ants marching in little rows, little columns, little little ants and my breath has weight and my words have weight and my smile has weight because you think no one can tell? People can tell and they tell. It was a letter to She Who Wouldn't Understand What I Wrote. In other words, you are a hymn like I am a hymn. I said that I can't do devastatingly original (because others have been tormented by eerily similar wants) and so I'd have to settle for devastated (because I also cannot do devastating). The Devastation would happen by the sea, on the beach (lying down), because I cannot swim, and if a wave came to sweep me away, I wouldn't be able to save myself, even though I'd want to, but I want to be saved but I refuse to let myself be saved.
This is not my sickness. It isn't mine. It's hers not mine.
I'm going to work out.

pick a part that's new.

2007-03-25T20:41:00.000+08:00

I'm so tired-pissed. As in, pissed-tired. In other words, I'm so tired, you could call me pissed, but I'm not really irritated-pissed, so there's nothing to worry about. We had a lot of things going on today, me and my monkey. We played a match against SAS, then we watched Mr Bean's Holiday (and both agreed that it wasn't worth the money or the time) and then we went to watch the filming of the Grand Finals for Arena which UWC won and where we supported UWC instead of our "brother" school. You do well to cement your communist image dudes. NY girls on the other hand are far more progressive. Or so I like to believe (:

I feel so hot. Lisian said I had a fever. Probably from drinking the chicken essence. But then, Lisian drank two, and she just felt heaty. I think I feel quite heaty actually, and drinking a bottle of chicken essence is equivalent to eating a whole chicken. Lisian ate two chickens. I think I need some water. Haven't touched any work yet. When do I expire again? Also, I was so hungry I ate quite a lot for dinner. Well, not ALOT ALOT but still, reasonably more than usual.

I don't know how I stand everything.

I'm here. Hello.

2007-03-24T20:34:00.000+08:00

It's not that we don't care
We just know that the fight ain't fair.

I really need to refocus and everything. I keep panicking and doing all the wrong things. Not good, not good. We're playing a friendly against SAS tomorrow, a game in which I will try to psyche myself up for the later match-ups against Pei Cai and RG. I don't know why, but I just don't feel so enthusiastic nowadays, and I think I'm low-strung before, and too high-strung during. I don't want to be like this forever, being Potential. Please Noelle, for your own sake, focus. Do I not trust myself? Why am I scared? Why can't I wait to get the ball out of my hand? It works when I tell myself to feel the fear, but do it anyway. Training was alright, could have been more productive and better, although I don't think I did badly today, aside from not batting well.
Where is my drive? I need it back. Give it back.

I bought Continuum today. It's really really as good as it's cracked up to be, and more! Tried to look for some local authors but couldn't find many, so ):

If my mind had an eye, it would be All-Seeing. As much as some people claim that a Mind's Eye exists, there has never been any evidence that the mind possesses such an extension. Perhaps they are talking about vision. They say that people like Steve Jobs and Lee Kuan Yew and Steven Gerrard have vision. What does this vision mean? Does it mean being able to see into the future? What about not actually being able to see into the future, but being able to anticipate the likeliest occurrence? Then that isn't Vision, that's just Anticipation - Guesswork actually - and none of that is included in the faculty of seeing. When you look at something, you don't guess whether it is or it isn't, because in seeing it, you know that it is, or you know that it isn't, whichever the case may be.

This is the most basic definition of what an eye is:

An organ of vision or of light sensitivity.

Which is all good and definitive, but it kind of narrows the possibility of things being eyes. I'm not sure whether that is a good or bad thing, but Older and Wiser people have always told me that being narrow-minded is a bad thing. I suppose narrowness in general can't be that great. You can't walk through narrow alleys comfortably, or if ledges were too narrow you wouldn't be able rest your coffees (that taste like drainwater) on them, and if cracks were too narrow you couldn't slip your secrets inside them. I much prefer the more arbitrary definitions like:

The often differently coloured center of the corolla of some flowers.

My Mind's eye will be differently coloured than anyone else's, and I think that lots of people would have same coloured Eyes and since the human eye can recognise only about 30 000 different colours, my eye will be a colour that no one can recognise, and everyone will be puzzled by my eye. Only, they won't know that while they think they are watching my eye, my eye is also watching them, and it knows what they are thinking, what they ate for breakfast, how they said No to Action For Aids but Yes to a 75 dollar handkerchief, and how, in the prodigious force of company, they are utterly Alone.

And you leave me feeling DIRTY
'Cause you can't UNDERSTAND.

so you leave me feeling dirty.

2007-03-22T19:29:00.000+08:00

I know why the nice smell before the rain is petrichor and not ozone, or maybe a mixture of both. It's because the wind blows the petrichor from somewhere else (where it's already raining). It's one of my favourite smells! And possibly for many other people as well. Vivifying. I am a Before The Rain Smell fan.
I give you a cup of ash. I give you a phoenix. Someone asked me about the phoenix rising from the ashes, and I said Maybe it's just taking a long time to rise. I'm 99% sorry if I made people feel like they were shitforbrains, because everyone's been seeming so puerile the past few days, and it's not really my fault that I heard what you said, or looked at you at the wrong time. Or maybe, you really do have shitforbrains, in which case, I don't think it is within my ability to help you. Please don't bother. I thought that today was not a bad day at all. Had a nice talk with Jia Wen about FEAR and how it makes you screw up so badly, so badly. Even without fear, you could still screw up. No one's counting the number of times, so go ahead. I give you my fullest approval. I don't even know why I get so scared about these things. They call them irrational fears! Phuck you and your illogical.

My hands are dirty from training.
My hands are dirty from other things as well.
Don't look at me like that.
I make the most of all of this.
youtrytohitmejustothurtmesoyouleavemefeelingdirtycosyoucan'tunderstand. We're going down, and you know that we're doomed. We are.

number two crutch

2007-03-21T19:28:00.000+08:00

Okay.

1. Exhibitionist. You know, I think I may be this.
2. I hate people who lie to me. You're full of it.
3. I'm going to exercise tonight, and I **** you.
4. If people were a little more honest with themselves, it would help a lot.

I have a thing for lost causes, or causes that make me sick. FUCK I AM SO SICK I FEEL LIKE VOMITING OUT EVERYTHING GRAH hahahaha. I'm sorry I can't help feeling a little nauseous, and a little light headed, and a little bruised. Hello, people you said I looked bored/angsty/sad today. It was the zuo wen, I swear. I like Ache by James Carrington! Spending my time downloading a lot of songs. I wrote about Eyes yesterday. Today it will be about parts of yourself that you can't allow other people to borrow, even for a while.

we want everything but we don't give enough away.

2007-03-20T19:38:00.000+08:00

Look, I don't have a problem. Well, today was pretty activity-filled!
1. Massive photo taking in the morning. We missed doing zuo wen, which I am happy about, and we missed History, which I am not happy about. Will have to remember that I have recess appointment with Ms Ong tomorrow!
2. Forgetting that I had a match against RGS.
3. Having the match against RGS, in which I didn't make fielding mistakes, and this is a First. I have already silently congratulated myself. However, batting wasn't very good. Nevermind, I know I'll hit better the next game!

Sound: Of skin being scratched. It almost takes on a fluidity, like melted ice cream or thickthick soup! It rustles. You know, when you hear skin on skin, the sound is unmistakable.

Will not: Wear gold or golden rings. I think they are very obiang. Also, we must practise self-effacement. I like silver rings! They are modest and cool and HEY we who wear silver are aware that we make silver look like a million bucks (even though it isn't).

Ate: A lot.

We: Can live on hope alone, but what about living in that second for that second for that second? If you held me I would only live in that moment that you held me, and not think about how you've never held me before, or how you will never hold me again. Hope can kill, you know? I want to be cradled and sung to sleep.

Heart: More or less whole, like how a slice of cake is whole. A Whole Slice Of Cake. And yet, that slice is part of something bigger, that of the Whole Cake.

I: Will be more mature about things that I don't like. I will not do my damndest to alter the state of affairs, but I will not sit quietly either.

Never: Say never.

Hope: (I thought we already agreed this was evil?) That we find something to say in all this mess.

My sister is away at camp. I wonder what she's doing? I wonder if people ever wonder what I'm doing, because I do wonder what other people are doing sometimes. I wonder if people think of me. I think of people. I think of some people more than some people think of me, which is okay, because you don't have to be thought of in order to exist. even if no one thought about e, I'd still be here, triumphant in my existence. HAH! I find it easier to breathe when I think about things other than what it is that makes it difficult to breathe. Inhale, Exhale. Breathe in silence, breathe out madness. As my lungs fill with nebulousness my heart can pump it all the way to my spleen, my gut, my toes and the part of my head behind my ears that hardly anyone ever touches. It is not because we have no love for one another. It is quite the opposite.
Which reminds me.

Ache: Irritation.

broccoli in a doughnut.

2007-03-19T18:47:00.000+08:00

I have to remember that I am a Catholic.

Maybe I can take that out and wield it like a trump card.

Okay, today my horoscope says that a complicated friend may excel at making matters more convoluted than they already are. Lately, I'm supposed to think of this friend as more a liability than a pleasure, and I have to remind him where his boundaries are. Hmmm, I think these newspapers assume that the horoscope readership is mostly made up of desperate 30-40 somethings. I bet it is though. Anyway, Mr Lim was being really nice about the recording today, and he helped me set up all the stuff like the mic to do the recording! (: Made a couple using Safran Foer's Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. I like to hear things read out! Someone read something to me please. I flipped a coin to decide whether I should walk home or take the bus (heads to walk, tails to take the bus) and secretly I was hoping that it would turn up tails so I'd take the bus, but it was heads. Then I thought maybe I should just ignore it, but then that would be defying the Universe, and I don't want to defy the Universe. So I walked.
Accidentally cut my little finger on my left with MSng's penknife blade today, and it wasn't a really shallow cut too. It didn't bleed a lot, but I blotted my finger on my lijiewenda script so now there's blood on it. The chords that I will not be able to play on the guitar are: A, B, G, all major barre chords, all minor barre chords. I can however, play all barre chords with a 7th, i.e. I cannot play Dm but I can play Dm7 :D Shall be quite selective tonight then.

What if they don't smile back?
What if they think I'm staring?
What if they know my deepest, darkest secrets?
What if she knows that I didn't think anything?
What if they knew that they could hurt me beyond measure?
What if they didn't know that they could hurt me beyond measure?

What if.

fear is an illusion?

2007-03-18T20:05:00.000+08:00

Is it just me who stumbles over the word 'profligate'?! And the Chen Liping treadmill item is such a blatant ripoff of OK Go's video!
Today was hot. I didn't go to church. I feel guilty and sorry. Instead, I went to Kallang to watch the juniors, and it wasn't bad. Except, I only watched 5 minutes of the first game and 3 innings of the semifinals. Wrote a ridiculous story for Huiqing about her OBS and it involved Big Bird and Rapunzel-who-became-a-butch. (: It was quite funny. I don't know, I sat there thinking about semi-gloomy things, and wallowing in uncomfortablenesssssss. I ponder my future!
Later on hopped on the bus to get to Outram Park to meet Rachel to discuss Chem. Anthea was more than an hour late to her house, and considering that we'd already extended the meeting time, I don't think that shows a very pronounced respect for other people's time. However, we managed to get most of the stuff done before she arrived. Rachel has a really nice Ibanez which she HARDLY uses and omgwtfghijklmnop ours is lousier than hers. She can't play, and she won't let me borrow it ): Whatever. I feel so... Blah.

The Wait.

2007-03-17T21:56:00.000+08:00

1. Tossed aside, like soiled, used underwear. So, she decided to remain where she was thrown - it would not be dignified to challenge her position. Maybe, someone would baulk at the sight of her.

2. If they decide that things are allowed to be allowed, then, they will be allowed.

3. Fear is the heart of love.

4. Sometimes, eating is a sign of distress. As is nailbiting. Nailbiting = Eating?

5. The air we breathe is heavy with possibility and dripping with suspense and drama and saturated with uncertainty.

6. Oil floats, Ribena sinks. This is why some things remain the way they are, and some things cannot be suspended forever.

Maybe in this car we have immunity
We both know that this ain’t gonna last
So before we just accept this as a casualty
Stay here while the last few moments pass.

how do you say it right?

2007-03-16T17:45:00.000+08:00

While I was playing around with the few chords (the ones they call suspensions because they supposedly evoke suspense!), (who? you she he I them we or what name?) appeared in my mind's eye for the briefest of moments, to be immediately replaced by something about spinning and winning and being on the losing end. I was rent between admittance and denial, and perhaps entertainment.
Luckily for me, I don't actually study Physics. I refuse to believe that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. This, we know, has been disproved countless times already: For every yearning, there is no necessary answering call.

For one human being to love another: that is the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test of proof, the work for which all other work is preparation.

-R.M. Rilke

cholera.

2007-03-15T19:41:00.000+08:00

How?

Does it not work out if you try too hard?
This is too white for my own liking.
You can come, and paint on me, paintpaintpaint paintyourself
So what do you do
(When -)
You do all you can.

bad stomachey feeling.

2007-03-14T18:59:00.000+08:00

It's not a silly little moment
It's not the storm before the calm
Nobody's gonna come and save you
We pulled too many false alarms

Symposium was, by and large, okay. Didn't speak much at all. Cheronne and Chanyi got best delegation and NY got the trophy. Kudos guys! You guys were great (: Us on the other hand, slacked around and didn't talk a lot of sense. Haha. Nevermind, I suppose I was never made for this kind of thing really. Maybe I wasn't made to be this way or know the people I know, or do the things I do, or think the things I think, or eat the things I eat! I am beginning to suspect I was never made for this world, or this country, at least! Am also starting to find the idea of a hermitic existence very attractive indeed. Haha, what do you think? (:

I'd hate for my year to turn out like this though, seeing that I was planning on having lots of fun and having a great season. When I'm on the field, I forget a bit, and it's so much better. I think one of the reasons why I love softball so much is that it's very cathartic, or at least, temporarily so. I remember in Sec 1 how my whole life used to revolve around softball, and how now, it doesn't anymore. Instead it seems to have split itself into several different orbits, sometimes not even in ways that I can control. They say that there's this Universal Secret, and they call it the Law of Attraction. However, some people also insist that laws are made to be broken, and there are some people who can't stop themselves from getting into trouble with the Law. Anyway, it's not like I really believe in all of this hokum, even though there is probably a modicum of truth in it, seeing as it's rooted in positive thinking shit. :D Who is to know? Who. Is. To. Know.

Someone once said I had a Messianic complex, haha. I wonder how true that is? I'd fancy some saving myself. I WISH SOMEONE WOULD HIT ME JUST TO HURT ME. In the middle of the song, because it is a live recording, there will be someone coughing in the background, and a baby will cry just before the chorus, and glasses will clink, and promises will be made over pasta in tomato- and alfredo- drenched conviction. Then, there will be you: alone, the heat of the spotlight causing your irises to wane, heart to deliquesce.

We're going down
And you know that we're doomed
My dear we're
Slow dancing in a burning room. Don't you think we ought to know by now?

(live in hilltop houses)

2007-03-13T18:51:00.000+08:00

I'm still tired. The painters walked in barely after I started to fall asleep, so I woke up because everyone was so damn loud and there was the headache hovering around in the background. I don't know why I've been feeling so lethargic these past few days, but it's been affecting my thought processes (not that they were anything to shout about in the first place, but you get the picture.)
Today was, quite fun.

many things

2007-03-12T18:56:00.000+08:00

Alright, so many things running through my head now so I should note them down! One second.

Was thinking about this line from Daughters which goes something like boys you can break, boys will be strong, boys soldier on etc. Why can't girls do that? Isn't that what we've been doing all this while? Isn't that what I've been doing all this while? Sometimes together, sometimes not.

Today we went to Borders and then to Fish and Co to eat! History Boys was so good. The guy didn't even ask for any ID, so I guess I must be looking pretty old huh. Auntie Dina was commenting that I was kind of like Dakin, haha. Ohohoh, I can't explain it. Go watch the show! It's so sad. However, I strongly advise that you be a history student to watch it, because there are some historical references that you may not recognise (and hence not understand). If anyone wants to watch, tell me! I'll gladly watch again, but only if it's in a GV cinema, because I have a voucher (: If I had to write a whole review on History Boys, there can only be one thing that I promise: you'll be intrigued. Also, it's sad, but not really a dramatic kind of crying sadness, but more a deep, aching kind of sadness that you feel for the characters. (Really? The characters?) I would love to have the transcript. I liked one thing that Richard Griffiths (Hector) said in the movie about reading. It was about the key moment in reading, that when you're reading, and you've been thinking about something for the longest time, and suddenly it's there, only in someone else's words. It's like someone reached out their hand and grabbed yours. That was cool. Then again, there were many things he said that I would have liked to remember. I'd love to have a teacher like Hector, pederast tendencies and everything included.
It kind of reminded me about the things that you see in other people - only, unacknowledged things, and that imaginary hand reaching out to squeeze your imaginary heart. No, but maybe it doesn't reach for you, instead, you reach for it. But if only other people knew that you knew, you know? But sometimes it's also a lot more complicated than that. Haha.

Oh, and I liked the bits about subjunctives, about how they entertain the possibility of everything. Yup. Just go watch it.

Maybe art is a poor imitation of beauty. Art meaning visual art/writing/music etc. I mean, in doing art, the artist is presumably trying to capture something?! I don't know, I don't do art - perhaps they have other motives. As in all description, one does one's best to, you know, accurately depict a certain image or convey a certain message, but then some things are really beyond description, so what do you do with these things then? You can talk about the wind/write about the wind, but no one will know what it's really like until they've felt the wind or tasted the wind. Ororor maybe there are things that words cannot do justice to, like the thrill of a freefall or the rapture of a kiss? Really? How you describe uncertainty. I can't do this. Too messy.

If you expect something to hurt, and it doesn't, what do you make of it?

(:

feeling full.

2007-03-11T21:52:00.000+08:00

Bullshit. :D hellodon'tswear/

but come back! I'm not done yet! writing the thing, I mean.
yeah? I don't care.
what do you mean you don't care?
I mean what I mean. I. Don't. Care.
look, how can you not care?
it's easy! I just, well, don't care.
LAWL, that's funny. if you can't tell, that's my soul right there between the second and third line.
you mean that smudge that looks like a coffee stain?
ummm, if you want to describe it that way. yeah.
doesn't look like much to me.
if that's not enough for you, my heart's in there too, somewhere!
you mean you put your heart AND soul into this?
sure.
that's just stupid. you never know when someone might pick it up and wipe their nose with it.

HAHA. So random.

words will go, from poetry to prose;

2007-03-10T22:40:00.000+08:00

I need some air right now.

I just watched Quinceanera. Was good! (:
Oh, I keep thinking about this Beatles song that I can't put my finger on.
It doesn't mean anything to me.
You say hello! haha who knows what I'm screaming inside and dying to say. So, stop saying it.

Haha the lyrics, they speak to you. I can imagine theom seeping into the cracks of some sorry excuse for a life, when all you do (all day and all night) is carry a bitter taste in your mouth that won't go away, and no matter no matter what, you can't get rid of it. You can't mask it by eating something sweeter, something that fills up the hles that you've dug yourself. GO AWAY :D

camp-o-rama.

2007-03-09T21:51:00.000+08:00

Hello, I thought everyone'd be rushing on to blog about LSC (: However, most people haven't really yet. I have no pictorial evidence so far of the stuff we did + dresses/not dresses. It was okay only. I don't know, I'm not going to say that it was great or anything, because it wasn't really great. You know I'm not really into this kind of thing. Everything seemed to zoom by really quickly, especially last night. Everyone was so pretty :D Didn't think I deserved the Ms Personality thing, especially since I did such a crap job of answering the last question. The prize is going to my Mummy cos I can't possibly wear a thing like that (because it's too small and also because, well, I wouldn't wear a thing like that.) Class got more bonded, WHADDAYA KNOW! And we've always questioned how it could be possible to bond within such a short span of time. Well, on the whole I think we got to see how the class functioned under pressure/in close proximity/in the face of a common enemy/in makeup. I'm quite glad we had this, because it DID allow me to get to know a few people a bit better. I'm doing my best to feel cheery and I thinkIthinkITHINK I'm pretty good - in the mood for some really serious guitar playing and writing. The minute I came back I ate a bit and playedplayedplayed for an hour or so and then promptly knocked out on the sofa. My fingers are green (from the oxidation of the brass or iron or something like that on my fingertips) and really really painful from all the sliding. I think sometimes it's pure masochism. Shall play some more. HI SHERYLKOH.

2007-03-06T18:04:00.000+08:00

Ugh I feel so out of sorts. I hate what I'm writing. It's so babbling and immature.

why do we try so hard to get things we don't really want?

2007-03-06T17:08:00.000+08:00

Okay, feel kind of contemplative now! After doing several lijiewendas in a row. Haha, you know I think zuo wens (meaning most essays in Chinese) always do their darndest to state the most obvious things, but in a funny chinesey descriptive way. Being oriental, I can relate! Sometimes, I really really wish I could write well in Chinese, because some things can't be expressed in English simply due to the fact that the ENGLISH AREN'T HALF AS LYRICAL AND PRETTY. Sadly, my standards [in both languages] leave much to be desired.

I think I try? I don't know, lots of people think I don't even try. I do. Yesterday Sharon and I were talking on the bus, and although it may not have seemed very obvious to her, I found myself saying things that I'd never thought about before (though they sounded like I'd thought them a million times already) which were true for the most part. I do certain things, and people interpret them a certain way, without having any contextual knowledge to base their judgment upon. (If you're a History student, you will know that that is a heinous crime! I digress.) I don't think I've been particularly concerned about the image I project, because I don't think I've gone to clarify things I should. Furthermore, I think recently I've lost that urge to justify whatever I do, and people don't have to know the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. HELLO I'm not going to waste my time trying to explain myself. Go ahead, because you don't matter so much to me. Sorry, this is really bad for PR and building bridges etc.. Momentary bout of anger and angst, haha. Of course I feel like I've been misjudged a couple of times, but it hasn't seemed to have mattered much. Don't take this to mean that I don't give a hoot or two hoots (or in Kolkata, several kinds of hoots blaring simultaneously) about what other people think - I do. It's just that I find some things very silly and tiring. She said I must jiayou if I want to get there, haha.

I remember when I was much, much younger, I used to be quite manja (: At the time, my sister was probably a year old or so, and she still drank milk from a bottle (me too, actually) and my Mummy would make bottles for her from this table that we called the "Milk Table" (but which is actually her dressing table of sorts)and I remember one incident quite clearly, because it must have struck a chord somewhere deep in the childish recesses of my brain. She was making milk for my sister at the table, and I was kind of lying down on my bed looking up at it, half pretending to sleep and secretly hoping that she'd make a bottle for me too. I didn't ask her of course, haha and later on she asked me, but it seemed like an afterthought, so I said no. I think I refused the offer because I felt very indignant that she didn't think of making one for me in the first place(!) and also I think because I was too proud to admit that I actually wanted one too. So stubborn, huh? Haha. Maybe floating somewhere inside me is the expectation that I have of others to read my mind, that they'll say and do the right things without me having to say anything. Grrr this is so irritating. Was thinking about this last night.

Have you seen that tupperware advert with Han Shang Gong from Dachangjin?! Hahaha it's hilarious.

what is it you see?

2007-03-05T22:12:00.000+08:00

I might just go crazy if I'm not already. There are a lot of things to think about, mainly, responsibility and truth.
It is true that I tend to be quite irresponsible. I thought quite a few people hinted at that, and when Ms Ong reminded me to do research for the symposium, I asked her why people were always so worried about me not doing research, and she replied with a mysterious ":)", which I take to mean "I'd rather not embarrass you by telling you how irresponsible you can be, Noelle." And then, so what? It's true. I'll try.

Truth. That's a sticky subject that I'd rather not talk about. Besides, nowadays you can't tell what's real and what's not, so why bother trying? Haha. It all depends on what your line is. You know, that line between the Truth and the Not Truth, which for me - and probably the entire human race as well - is becoming increasingly blurry. I used to think that if I believed really hard in something, it would become true simply by virtue of my conviction. Young and dumb (: Age and reality hit you like a ton o' bricks.

I hope for something more than just a sweet sixteen. I mean, how boring can things get? I'm not a sweet person by nature anyway, so something more exciting would be in order, like a salty, tangy, musty, dank, artificially-manufactured flavour.
writeasongalone.
helloyoucanbemymuse.

how do I say this?

2007-03-03T19:39:00.001+08:00

I can't even say that I'm happy in the conventional sense. I'm feeling very ambivalent now. Have I used that word recently? Ambivalent. Yellow-coloured malice. What do you call a happy overtone with aching undertones? Chanel No. 5? It smells like burning rosewood and coriander and acid and chocolate cinders and even vaguely meaty; like how you have a fervid appetite that cannot be satisifed, and how, having gotten used to deprivation, it sizzles down to little more than a whimper. I don't exactly feel unhappy about the way things are going, but I wish I could change some things. There are some things that can be touched, and some things that can't. The only bad thing about everything is that I let it all get to me, and they get all tangled up. OHOHOH what a tangled web I weave :D If you tell me, Go cry about it why don't you? I'd be much, much happier.
Only the worst kind of sick is lachrymal nausea. But then, no one would understand the allusion unless they were a biology student or were extremely well-read or happened to have come across that term (and actually knew what it meant).
I can imagine the soundtrack to my life right now being Gravity by John Mayer (: It breaks my heart<3 Not in the permanent kind of way though, but like the way I used to listen to Robbie Williams all the time in P5 and 6 because it felt good to feel like I was floating around in his madnesssadness. I think I'm doomed to this! I don't want to waste my teenage years away being like this! I used to always feel that everything would turn out fine in the end, but now, that spark of optimism seems to have dwindled.

Everyone is replaceable.

I wish I had someone to tell things to. Unfortunately, I'm not as fortunate as you.

It's probably Me being so distanced so no one knows exactly how I feel, and I end up knowing exactly how everyone else feels, although no one likes to think so, because the feeling's THEIRS and how would I know, and how would I know I knew anyway? You think you're so amazing, huh? Yes, in fact, I am.
However, it would be selfish to ask that of someone, because I'm strong enough for more people. For as long as I am able, I'll give. (Wait, do we give because we want something in return? Let me think about that. Hmmm. No.)

I got a silver ring yesterday when I was out, and it has fleurs-de-lis on it. The fleur-de-lis traditionally represents royalty and the French monarchy in particular, I think. I was made for more than THIS. We ate so much, I'm still bursting now. The Pursuit of Happyness was good! I recommend it to anyone who wants a feel-good movie. For every Chris Gardner though, there're probably 100000 people who never made it. So on the whole, yesterday was pretty good. Finished Bio SIA and thought I left my thumb drive in the chem lab, and Yonghui and Rachel went to help me look and as a result it kind of inconvenienced them. Found it in my pocket after. Sorry guys!!! (: Treat you lunch.

Tomorrow and today and yesterday and last Wednesday and Two Years, Three Months, Eight days, 6 Hours, Nine Minutes and Seven Seconds Ago seem to have melded to form a seamless existence haha I can't tell them apart. I know what it's like to not really feel something but feel it! Like something you see out of the corner of your eye, or like those stars that you can see when you're not looking directly at them, but when you try to focus on them, you can't see them... Something slippery and evasive, instinctive, visceral. I don't know. Maybe the wisest thing to declare, would be to declare that you don't know nuthin'.
Feeling feeling. Sometimes I wish people would ask me what I'm waiting for, so I can give them a cryptic answer (:
A Meaty Portabello Mushroom Cooking In Olive Oil. Oily and fungusy and musty with held mystery under its cap. With held. Withheld?

And there's no one there to dry your tears/I could hold you for a million years.
Seriously? Yeah, haha. This is me, marketing. I love Josh Kelley's voice too.

goosebumps!

2007-02-28T18:44:00.000+08:00

I don't know, but I think I'm in love.

With John Mayer's music. :D:D:D AHAHHA HE MAKES ME FEEL SO HAPPY. The guitar sounds so pretty I could just crycrycry. I don't know, he's the only one who's made me feel like this now!!!! HAHAHHAA. And I learned how to play most of Daughters already. Did you know it's not one of his favourite songs? The producers were the ones who wanted it on the album even though he didn't. I'm hoppy and happy as a bunny. My current ambition is to learn lots and lots of his songs. Right now, I don't feel anything but really dreamy weamy.

Like I'm drunk! On music!

harlequin(ne?)

2007-02-27T20:01:00.000+08:00

If my past few entries have been angsty, I don't apologise. However, I would advise people to care less. After all, you have wonderful lives to live and you don't have to waste time trying to decrypt my paragraphs. I think I haven't been feeling great, but I'll get over everything eventually I hopethinkmaybe(?). If you ask me whether I mean what I say, I can't say for sure, honestly. I may mean it when I write it, but not later. Or some things aren't really even meant to hold any significance at the time of writing, but they take on whole new meanings later. I surprise myself (: Haha.
Because it lets me know what it's like to be completely immersed in a single thought, a single purpose, where all other thoughts serve to help you achieve that singular purpose.
And then to grow a callus on my sole/soul, so that if I stepped on nails (figuratively or not), it wouldn't hurt.
THEN to know what it's like to give and not get back in equal return but STILL give and peel off bits of yourself so you can make people feel better about THEMSELVES.
(On a completely unrelated note,
Why self-deprecation works as a tool - because it makes others feel good when someone places themselves below them. Self-deprecation is the way to go! )

Today is my birthday. I was the first person to sing myself a birthday song. I played badly today, but it's a thing of the past. Generally I'm not that into birthdays and stuff (except maybe when it comes to people who mean something to me), and I feel as though I'm past that first cusp of adulthood, and I'm accountable for allallall my mistakes, my tragedies. I don't really like buying gifts. If I do, it has to be wrapped in a nice original way :D haha. Probably, the less expensive your gift is, the more you mean to me HAHA. I remember Rachel's present was a huge chalk scrawling on the quadrangle which didn't actually cost me anything, but I racked my brains for a week to come up with that. i'm not against buying something that I think the person really wants though! That's thoughtful (: haha.

Thanks to ALL the people who wished me Happy Birthday (even if it was just because they felt awkward if they didn't) and Lishian and Yina for that bag( which is supposed to make me look more feminine but which I will end up making more masculine :D) and Adele and Amandas for the book and Eunice for the little handphone thingy and the card and Auntie Dina for the very inspiring sms and Zhuoxuan too even though she was sick and the softballers for singing me a song and my family to whom I may not show much appreciation to but love. I hate it though, when people say they "owe" gifts, because gifts aren't something like a debt that has to be paid. I mean, you give someone a gift because you really want to and not because you feel obligated to.
Haha it's so strange, just like me.

The longer you spend alone, the longer you can stand being alone.

it doesn't have anything to do with me.

2007-02-25T20:24:00.000+08:00

I don't do lyric posts, but this song is so NICE. The lyrics are sweet. I don't think it's sexist or anything. Haha read properly and you'll know that Johnny John doesn't mean to be sexist. PARENTS, BE GOOD TO YOUR CHILDREN! I wish I could write lyrics like that. I wish I could write songs! One day I'll try!

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
but she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change

And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hand
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it’s got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Ooh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man
looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too.

head out alone, hope for the best.

2007-02-24T08:21:00.000+08:00

I have this irrepressible desire to start grinning right now. Not because I'm happy, but entirely the contrary (: Maybe you could call it a grimace.

Sometimes too much of one thing can turn it into something antipodal to its original.
When does medicine become poison?
Or desire evolve into disgust? (Or maybe they are both at once - you are disgusted with your own desire.)
Maybe it is when effervescence bubbles down into a flat, saccharine version of itself (version 1.2.21.3)
Hunger to nausea?
Pleasure into pain?
Pain into pleasure?
Oftentimes clarity emerges from the depths of confusion, amidst our most bizarre thoughts.
The normal becomes surreal, and vice versa.
(Somehow, 'vice versa' has always reminded me of credit cards. Visa? Vice?)
After all, we derive an antidote from its venom.
Hair of the dog, is what they like to believe as well (but it is just another excuse for a drink)

So, to say that there are polar opposites for everything would be a glaring inaccuracy. The Chinese believe in 'yin' and yang', represented by two halves - one black and one white - and within each half there is a single dot of the opposing colour (but I suppose we can't call it that now...), only reiterating the fact that we cannot think of something and not be reminded of its opposite. Too much of something only gives birth to its contradiction.
Too much, too much.

Affection is only a habit. If you tried hard enough, you could make yourself believe you loved someone, and after a while, it becomes true simply by your willing it. Barely conceivable, but you can make your own heart beat faster, make your stomach flip, make your head swim. Similarly, you can cause yourself to seethe with loathing, revulsion; and because love and hate are actually congruent (only differently coloured), these can both exist in the same shell, chipping away at your sanity.

Herlgrey: This is my secret. Can you figure it out?

2007-02-22T19:17:00.000+08:00

I can only observe obliquely, inhale deeply from the corner of my eye. And when we talk (or don't, for that matter), it is nothing, because it all dissipates in resignation. Resignation is better than whimpering uncertainty, which is why I can look up and safely say that no matter what happens, forgetting is so much easier than I think. Constantremindersconstantreminders. I feel a little sick at how surreptitious I am. If you knew.

We won today! 9-7. I wasn't too pleased with my batting cos I didn't feel like I wanted it enough. However, I think I was able to make peace with myself today, after reading Tom's email. Peace is nice (: Didn't field all too badly lah, except for that one throw when I used my kidney to think instead of my brain. Why do I take myself so seriously anyway?