Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Okay, feel kind of contemplative now! After doing several lijiewendas in a row. Haha, you know I think zuo wens (meaning most essays in Chinese) always do their darndest to state the most obvious things, but in a funny chinesey descriptive way. Being oriental, I can relate! Sometimes, I really really wish I could write well in Chinese, because some things can't be expressed in English simply due to the fact that the ENGLISH AREN'T HALF AS LYRICAL AND PRETTY. Sadly, my standards [in both languages] leave much to be desired.


I think I try? I don't know, lots of people think I don't even try. I do. Yesterday Sharon and I were talking on the bus, and although it may not have seemed very obvious to her, I found myself saying things that I'd never thought about before (though they sounded like I'd thought them a million times already) which were true for the most part. I do certain things, and people interpret them a certain way, without having any contextual knowledge to base their judgment upon. (If you're a History student, you will know that that is a heinous crime! I digress.) I don't think I've been particularly concerned about the image I project, because I don't think I've gone to clarify things I should. Furthermore, I think recently I've lost that urge to justify whatever I do, and people don't have to know the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. HELLO I'm not going to waste my time trying to explain myself. Go ahead, because you don't matter so much to me. Sorry, this is really bad for PR and building bridges etc.. Momentary bout of anger and angst, haha. Of course I feel like I've been misjudged a couple of times, but it hasn't seemed to have mattered much. Don't take this to mean that I don't give a hoot or two hoots (or in Kolkata, several kinds of hoots blaring simultaneously) about what other people think - I do. It's just that I find some things very silly and tiring. She said I must jiayou if I want to get there, haha.

I remember when I was much, much younger, I used to be quite manja (: At the time, my sister was probably a year old or so, and she still drank milk from a bottle (me too, actually) and my Mummy would make bottles for her from this table that we called the "Milk Table" (but which is actually her dressing table of sorts)and I remember one incident quite clearly, because it must have struck a chord somewhere deep in the childish recesses of my brain. She was making milk for my sister at the table, and I was kind of lying down on my bed looking up at it, half pretending to sleep and secretly hoping that she'd make a bottle for me too. I didn't ask her of course, haha and later on she asked me, but it seemed like an afterthought, so I said no. I think I refused the offer because I felt very indignant that she didn't think of making one for me in the first place(!) and also I think because I was too proud to admit that I actually wanted one too. So stubborn, huh? Haha. Maybe floating somewhere inside me is the expectation that I have of others to read my mind, that they'll say and do the right things without me having to say anything. Grrr this is so irritating. Was thinking about this last night.

Have you seen that tupperware advert with Han Shang Gong from Dachangjin?! Hahaha it's hilarious.

- why do we try so hard to get things we don't really want?
by @ 5:08 PM