Saturday, March 03, 2007

I can't even say that I'm happy in the conventional sense. I'm feeling very ambivalent now. Have I used that word recently? Ambivalent. Yellow-coloured malice. What do you call a happy overtone with aching undertones? Chanel No. 5? It smells like burning rosewood and coriander and acid and chocolate cinders and even vaguely meaty; like how you have a fervid appetite that cannot be satisifed, and how, having gotten used to deprivation, it sizzles down to little more than a whimper. I don't exactly feel unhappy about the way things are going, but I wish I could change some things. There are some things that can be touched, and some things that can't. The only bad thing about everything is that I let it all get to me, and they get all tangled up. OHOHOH what a tangled web I weave :D If you tell me, Go cry about it why don't you? I'd be much, much happier.
Only the worst kind of sick is lachrymal nausea. But then, no one would understand the allusion unless they were a biology student or were extremely well-read or happened to have come across that term (and actually knew what it meant).
I can imagine the soundtrack to my life right now being Gravity by John Mayer (: It breaks my heart<3 Not in the permanent kind of way though, but like the way I used to listen to Robbie Williams all the time in P5 and 6 because it felt good to feel like I was floating around in his madnesssadness. I think I'm doomed to this! I don't want to waste my teenage years away being like this! I used to always feel that everything would turn out fine in the end, but now, that spark of optimism seems to have dwindled.

Everyone is replaceable.

I wish I had someone to tell things to. Unfortunately, I'm not as fortunate as you.

It's probably Me being so distanced so no one knows exactly how I feel, and I end up knowing exactly how everyone else feels, although no one likes to think so, because the feeling's THEIRS and how would I know, and how would I know I knew anyway? You think you're so amazing, huh? Yes, in fact, I am.
However, it would be selfish to ask that of someone, because I'm strong enough for more people. For as long as I am able, I'll give. (Wait, do we give because we want something in return? Let me think about that. Hmmm. No.)

I got a silver ring yesterday when I was out, and it has fleurs-de-lis on it. The fleur-de-lis traditionally represents royalty and the French monarchy in particular, I think. I was made for more than THIS. We ate so much, I'm still bursting now. The Pursuit of Happyness was good! I recommend it to anyone who wants a feel-good movie. For every Chris Gardner though, there're probably 100000 people who never made it. So on the whole, yesterday was pretty good. Finished Bio SIA and thought I left my thumb drive in the chem lab, and Yonghui and Rachel went to help me look and as a result it kind of inconvenienced them. Found it in my pocket after. Sorry guys!!! (: Treat you lunch.

Tomorrow and today and yesterday and last Wednesday and Two Years, Three Months, Eight days, 6 Hours, Nine Minutes and Seven Seconds Ago seem to have melded to form a seamless existence haha I can't tell them apart. I know what it's like to not really feel something but feel it! Like something you see out of the corner of your eye, or like those stars that you can see when you're not looking directly at them, but when you try to focus on them, you can't see them... Something slippery and evasive, instinctive, visceral. I don't know. Maybe the wisest thing to declare, would be to declare that you don't know nuthin'.
Feeling feeling. Sometimes I wish people would ask me what I'm waiting for, so I can give them a cryptic answer (:
A Meaty Portabello Mushroom Cooking In Olive Oil. Oily and fungusy and musty with held mystery under its cap. With held. Withheld?

And there's no one there to dry your tears/I could hold you for a million years.
Seriously? Yeah, haha. This is me, marketing. I love Josh Kelley's voice too.

- how do I say this?
by @ 7:39 PM