Tuesday, February 27, 2007

If my past few entries have been angsty, I don't apologise. However, I would advise people to care less. After all, you have wonderful lives to live and you don't have to waste time trying to decrypt my paragraphs. I think I haven't been feeling great, but I'll get over everything eventually I hopethinkmaybe(?). If you ask me whether I mean what I say, I can't say for sure, honestly. I may mean it when I write it, but not later. Or some things aren't really even meant to hold any significance at the time of writing, but they take on whole new meanings later. I surprise myself (: Haha.
Because it lets me know what it's like to be completely immersed in a single thought, a single purpose, where all other thoughts serve to help you achieve that singular purpose.
And then to grow a callus on my sole/soul, so that if I stepped on nails (figuratively or not), it wouldn't hurt.
THEN to know what it's like to give and not get back in equal return but STILL give and peel off bits of yourself so you can make people feel better about THEMSELVES.
(On a completely unrelated note,
Why self-deprecation works as a tool - because it makes others feel good when someone places themselves below them. Self-deprecation is the way to go! )

Today is my birthday. I was the first person to sing myself a birthday song. I played badly today, but it's a thing of the past. Generally I'm not that into birthdays and stuff (except maybe when it comes to people who mean something to me), and I feel as though I'm past that first cusp of adulthood, and I'm accountable for allallall my mistakes, my tragedies. I don't really like buying gifts. If I do, it has to be wrapped in a nice original way :D haha. Probably, the less expensive your gift is, the more you mean to me HAHA. I remember Rachel's present was a huge chalk scrawling on the quadrangle which didn't actually cost me anything, but I racked my brains for a week to come up with that. i'm not against buying something that I think the person really wants though! That's thoughtful (: haha.

Thanks to ALL the people who wished me Happy Birthday (even if it was just because they felt awkward if they didn't) and Lishian and Yina for that bag( which is supposed to make me look more feminine but which I will end up making more masculine :D) and Adele and Amandas for the book and Eunice for the little handphone thingy and the card and Auntie Dina for the very inspiring sms and Zhuoxuan too even though she was sick and the softballers for singing me a song and my family to whom I may not show much appreciation to but love. I hate it though, when people say they "owe" gifts, because gifts aren't something like a debt that has to be paid. I mean, you give someone a gift because you really want to and not because you feel obligated to.
Haha it's so strange, just like me.

The longer you spend alone, the longer you can stand being alone.

- harlequin(ne?)
by @ 8:01 PM