Sunday, November 26, 2006

Before I lapse into a chocolate-induced coma, I probably need to get a few things out. Hi if you're reading this Auntie Dina you sneaky you!

Have been on a kayaking course with Eunice Jocelyn Naomi for the past 2 days. The one star one. Yeah it has been fun sans-seasickness and all that and the instructors have been really fun too. You notice how these kind of instructors eg OBS, outdoor stuff are all of a similar mould. Easygoing and funny, except you know with the odd stern instructor or two in the group (but still nice). Anyway, it's either the chocolate or selective amnesia, but after going for the course, I think I'll go for the two star one as well. I only remember the nausea when I hit the water haha. ANYWAY it's been great lah being on the water even though it's only 4 of us and not the entire NYSB. But I bet if it was the entire NYSB, we'd be really late for the course and everything haha.

So.

You know I hate it when you can't control how you feel about certain things! In your mind you're like, yeah okay stop feeling this way. stopstopstop! It's wrong! and you can use all the logic you like but you STILL feel the same way. Sometimes I feel like throwing some feelings away, and then I could justify being an unfeeling ***** (which, for the record, I am not) but they're not something you can dump when you like. Haha I remember once when Naomi was still pitching in sec 2, and she told us that in her mind she told herself "I'M GOING TO PITCH A STRIKE I'M GOING TO PITCH A STRIKE" and she pitched a ball instead and she said something which I thought was very true (that I was also struggling with too, at that point in time)
"Even though I say 'I'm going to pitch a strike' in the back of my mind there's a voice saying 'It's going to be a ball'"
I think that's how it is. If you want to feel a certain way, it's really got a lot to do with conditioning. You could call it "training", HAHA but I don't like it to sound so clinical, especially when it comes to feelings. Personally, I find conditioning my brain a lot easier than I used to, but conditioning my heart is a whole other ball game :D HAHA. I can't make myself like someone I don't like and I can't make myself hate a person I like. Yeah sure you could focus on all their fabulous attributes and ignore the negative ones, but at the end of the day, you can't shake your own gut. And if it's someone you like, essentially, you like them because they possess the attributes that you desire in a friend, regardless of their idiosyncrasies haha. So, I'm not going to blame myself for not liking someone, although I've reframed plenty over the past 3 years. I am a plenty better person for it too.
I think just stepping out your door or blogging or airing anything that remotely resembles an opinion is a clear invitation for people to judge you. I don't mind it when people form opinions of me that may not be extremely flattering, because to be completely honest, I judge people alllll the time, consciously or not. I mean, it's not just thinking that hey she did this she did that, therefore she is like that, but on a more perceptive level. I'm not the kind of person who needs cold hard evidence to feel strongly about certain things. What do they call it now... Truthiness I think. HAHA Colbert's word. Manmanman it's perfect to describe this!!! Go search for Stephen Colbert's The Word segment and look for the one on truthiness. It's really... truthy.
"I don't trust books. They're all fact, no heart."
Anyway, we're wired to give appraisals of people all the time. If we didn't do it, we'd never evolve. (WHICH REMINDS ME of the green screen that Colbert did on the ice skaters and the "On the ice, no one can judge me!" and did the twirly thing HAHA WHICH IS REALLY FUNNY GO CHECK IT OUT.) And even though many say that this is rooted in very realist thinking, if you really felt it out, you'd know that the idealists do it on another level, that's all.
Too bad.


Haha I want grasssssss from another continent. Get me grass (NO NOT MARIJUANA).

- angggy
by @ 7:31 PM