Saturday, October 28, 2006

Yeah so it was kind of disappointing. I mean, it's funny how even if you've met (actually, exceeded) your own expectations, the performance still doesn't command the result that it deserves. It's not like we worked VERY hard for it, I mean, we've only prepped for a couple of days. This morning I was wondering if staying up so late last night to prep was worth it. Haha and I was thinking that if we don't get in, well, it would only be one late night out of many many other future late nights anyway. So, I still feel good for the other team! But I'm really sore that we didn't get in, and in ALL HONESTY, not taking anyting away from the other team at all, I thought we were better. Then again, I'm probably being biased. Haha well, sometimes you get a better hand but it's just that we happened to debate last. The judges were so damn cranky and pissed (I'd be too) and I guess they didn't really want to consider who got in. :D:D I handled the POIs well, I thought! They were probably mellower though, because I'd expected them to be more vicious. What I really want to know though, is WHY we didn't get through, that's all. What was it that we were lacking? At least we can still get debate training without the added pressure you know. Haha.

I wish I were more naturally cheerful haha. It's probably because I haven't been feeling too good these past few days and I've basically been feeling tired, drained and everything's been moving so fast. I really need to get back something and recharge properly, and hopefully I can do that through softball. Great. I've not been feeling very kindly towards people recently and I'm sorry, but it's not like I can pretend to be happy when I'm not. It's not that I'm UNhappy, but I've been finding it difficult to get motivated to do things and it's just me lah, a general sian-ness so uncool and everything's whizzingwhizzingwhizzing. It's like, WHAT? 3 days over already ah. Coherence is not my top priority now. Okay, do I want to review the school year? Yes and No and Wow.

My first reaction to it would be: It's over? And I was just getting used to it. Hahah. I don't know, I guess you could say that this year was probably the most exciting year in my 3 years at NY. I thought it'd be difficult to adjust and that the teachers were going to be really sucky and that it was all going to be so routine. But it wasn't, and I've been involved in far more things than I can remember plus the company has been great. I want it to stay that way. Maybe get better. Maybe I could liken it to a box of chocolates! I love chocolates with nuts. Mrs Wong is a nutty chocolate as well as Lily JJ, and my friends are all different nuts. You know. You could be an almond or hazelnut or walnut or something. I took a test and I'm a pecan. My favourite is hazelnut, and I'm glad it doesn't contain somethingbenzene like almonds. This means I can 't gorge myself to death on hazelnuts. I think I've felt really - hmmm how should I put this. Well, I've felt weird feelings that I didn't expect to feel at all and I've been meaner than I ever intended to be and I've needed certain people a lot more this year. I think even though it's been more exciting, I think it's been the year where I've struggled the most in terms of EVERYTHING. Academic etc. I remember I cried only about ummmm 4 times max this year about this kind of thing? And usually the number is less than 2 haha. I wish I could have been there more for some people and done certain things better and I've surprised myself a lot with the things I've said. I'll probably re-read this post sometime in the future and be like WTF?! Hahaha but now I'm just sad about not getting in the thing and everything seems to have this grey film over it.

I like sports, but I don't like playing games. If it's going to be a certain way, then I'm never going to try to make things complicated. I suppose you could say this part of myself has resigned to the fact that some things can't happen even if you want them to. You can't make people act or feel that way you want them to. I mean, that really sucks but that's the way it is. Blahblahblah I am sludgy. It's not my fault I feel this way. I wish I had someone to tell.

- much obliged m'am
by @ 9:39 PM