Tuesday, April 11, 2006
I think when things aren't going so well and you get some time alone, the temptation is to bawl. Haha yeah I did feel like it, but I'm not! I mean, if I do does it mean that I can't take pressure? I was kind of upset about today's training, and I'm not going to make any excuses about the way I trained. I don't know if it's just me, but I feel that sometimes Coach can be a little unfair when it comes to judging the way players play, and that I'm not getting the chances that I deserve. I don't know, maybe it's really just me. I mean, my self-belief is like 99% internally fueled, and I don't depend on others' praise or encouragement to believe in my own abilities, but sometimes it would be NICE you know, to just drop a bit of encouragement, and not show such disturbing body language. I can take criticism pretty well, in my opinion, and I think I deserve more room simply because of the fact that I've worked my ass off. Really, I wanted to give up last year because I didn't think I stood a chance, but I KNEW I had it in me, and I would be insulting my own ability if I did. I'm not going through a bad patch or anything, I'm just not performing at THE best I can, and I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect your best. Even though it's difficult. Going back to my point about the bawling, it's not that I think crying makes someone WEAK, but it does kind of show that you can't take the mental pressure of blocking out negative feedback coming from yourself and other people. It's good to cry sometimes, but I want to be able to conquer that and squash it! I want to be so mentally tough that you can throw me Jackie Robinson shit and I'd take it, not indulge in self-pity. It's just a temporary setback. I know that Coach has never viewed me as one of the best players or anything, but I believe that I am! Haha is it bad to think that way? I mean, it seems like I am overwhelmingly confident, and to be honest, I AM overhwlemingly confident. I just need that chance. Maybe even if I've made one mistake, I can get one more chance instead of just taking me out immediately. Maybe if I've popped up once, I can get another at-bat. I mean, this kind of thing shows that your coach has confidence in you, and it really gives you a boost, knowing that you don't have to worry about external factors and just concentrate on your performance. I really don't know. I know I'm good, because I AM. Haha, if people think that this seems very boastful or full of myself, forgive me, because I need a reason to work even harder, and that is it.