Sunday, March 05, 2006

See, I don't understand why I go and do things like this to myself actually. I really don't know why. WHY do I think too much and get affected by other people's feelings? I shouldn't, I know, but I can't help it! Yesterday, when I was talking during the 'open talk' thing, I felt like crying a bit (and I'm sure it was pretty obvious), even though I wasn't saying anything particularly emotional. I think I just need to unload emotional baggage. Maybe they'll lose my luggage. Haha, if only. Then I could get rid of it. I always seem to lose my stuff anyway, but the stuff that I want to lose, I can't. Reminds me of the Anger Management line "You can't get rid of your temper by losing it." HAHA which I thought was witty and so true! Got to think of all the positive things! Don't I always tell myself I'm mentally tough, and that optimists put their problems in a BOX? I KNOW my own demons! I KNOW THEM INTIMATELY! It's just that people don't see much of them, and when you think they're hibernating for the winter, POOF they creep up behind you and strangle you with chicken wire. I really DO want to change my DMC attitude, but then, everytime I try to, I can't. I can't put things off indefinitely.
Life doesn't wait for you. You can't put off death, or sickness, or aging or love or whatever. It's not like packing for a trip. You can't roll one tshirt, then wait for one hour, then roll another tshirt. When you're young, it's like nothing actually matters in the big scheme of things, but when you're older, all those small things seem to matter a lot more.
I know Lily JJ always teases me about my
1. Indecisiveness
2. Procrastination
but there's really a more serious issue here.


I am a happy person. I am I am I am. I know it, it's just that sometimes I don't allow myself the privilege of that knowledge.

Anyway, today went out with Val, Clarisse, Hui Shan, Lishian and Sharlene to army market to get stuff, and it was HOT and STUFFY. However, managed to get the stuff we wanted. After that, we went to (drink teh peng) and eat, and there was this lady selling tissue paper, and I didn't want to buy any from her. In the not-so-distant past, ordinarily, I would have bought it, but now at the ripe old age of Fifteen, I'm losing my naivete. I just think these people CAN get a job, and the line she threw at us was so well rehearsed, it was kind of obvious she didn't pity herself or didn't feel any shame in doing it. She's got four limbs and I think she could do better than that. Really, I do have sympathy for some people, and I know that there are people out there who aren't responsible for the situation they're in, but the hard reality is, most are. And the old lady at the MRT station? That was just plain BEGGING. Perhaps they really don't have the means to find a job. I dunno. It's just that after being taken advantage of a couple of times, I'm starting to get a little cynical. Is that wrong? Lishian said that it's quite cold-hearted not to, but I don't want to insult myself by doing something just because my stupid heart wants to. ): I'm too rash. I use my heart more than my head, and it gets me into trouble. AND it does stupid things.

- don't know.
by @ 8:13 PM