Friday, September 16, 2005
It was bound to happen sooner or later. Better sooner cos she'd suffer less. Wish they'd all shut up. It's funny how the world just goes on like it doesn't feel anything. It doesn't. Wonder how long it takes for everything to return to normalcy..
I mean, I guess people would say that she's just a dog, but I've known Koko since I was about 4. I used to get really sad when I was young about her being locked out of the house and I thought she'd be really sad too but I guess not. Then I used to take her out running and at the home stretch she'd race me back to the house. And she was really really lovely. I actually quite clearly remember when she first came. She sat in Lily JJ's lap in the car and she was so scared that she peed in her skirt, and she was kept in a box because she was so small. Her ears flopped down because she wasn't fully grown yet, but they kind of straightened themselves out later on. I love her ears. So it was really a shock when I touched them today at the crematorium and they were cold. Her whole body was cold. I cannot imagine her as ashes. I don't want to. I could go on and on about how she was like but I'd start crying all over the keyboard and short-circuit it or something. I don't want to talk about when she got sick because I want to remember her at her best and most vibrant. I just feel really really bad, like having a heavy weight on my chest and feeling like there's a dam about to burst but the tears won't flow so easy. Even after having slept 9 hours a night you still have eyebags and your eyes get harder to open because of the crying. Somehow it's easier to feel normal at school than at home, even though there's a haze over everything. Guess it's because it doesn't remind you of where she used to be. Her familiar presence in the morning these past few months, and just knowing that she was walking around somewhere in the house was something that I guess I took for granted. I knew she would go one day, but I didn't want to think about it. Now that it's finally happened I HAVE to think about it, and honestly, I don't want to. It's stressful. So this is what having someone close to you die feels like. I'd always wondered. I don't want to have another experience like it. Like what Siddartha Gautama realised about mankind: sheng1 lao3 bing4 si3. And it happens exactly like that all the time. In fact, some people don't even get the chance to grow old. Hope it won't be hard to let go.
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by @ 7:58 PM