Thursday, September 22, 2005

no time to blog! ): sleep! exams are coming. study!

agagagaga. have been feeling very detached lately. but am not alone I think!

maybe it's just me la. but somehow feel like I'm running short on stuff to say and do. feel like I can't communicate with people better, and I feel like I've been neglecting being more introspective! maybe it's the problem! actually I feel that relationships between people only get "built" to a certain extent (this is where all the mugging for source-based comes in, but I don't really study lots for hist, though I <3 it.) when you know someone for a while, say at least 6 months or so with regular 来往 :) you can tell whether you'll be comfortable with them. you know, there are some people whom, even if you've just met them, you can talk for hours and hours and that's just it. you'll probably be really good friends. you can know someone for your entire life but not be able to make a single word of conversation at all. it's not that I'm talking about my parents or anything, but some of my relatives who don't really talk, and haven't talked to me since I was young. and I could say 100 'I love you's to the animals in my house and really mean it but I find it difficult to really talk to my mother. I think the last time I hugged her was when I was 5. haha. I mean, I guess it is KIND of sad, but not irrepairable. and I feel like I've been building up walls and burning up all my bridges. sigh. does it make me feel depressed? actually, I don't know what depression feels like. I feel mildly disappointed in life but not really sad. is it ok to just accept the way things are? no? change? haha. I don't find it hard to be myself at all. at least it's better than those people who have to act cute or be fake-y or be loud just to get attention. actually, I've always been kind of a closet introvert. hahha.
in kindergarten I was quite ummm naughty, and I had this' gang' which consisted of a grand total of 3 members (including me) we basically tried to steal as many of the long wooden blocks that everyone liked to play with during playtime. I guess one day I just grew out of it, and stopped clique-ing with them. but I did have lots of guy friends (not boyfriends! sister had about 10 boyfriends. hahah) most the girls liked to play at the cooking set, but I hated it. ugh. not fun at all. preferred the blocks and the funner games. haha. sometimes I feel that guys are more forgiving, in that they don't make stupid girly jokes (yeah well, just as bad actually- they make dumb guy jokes) and giggle. ahhhh can't stand giggling. for god's sake can't you just LAUGH? laughing is so liberating. and they don't act nice to you and bitch behind your back. in that aspect, I think girls are severely lacking.
I'd never be NICe to someone that I didn't like unless they were going through a crisis or something and I didn't want them to feel worse, but normally I'd just be civil (read: cool, not cold) towards them, and if they say something stupid, ignore! I dunno! I feel that somewhere along the line I just became more inhibited? am I really inhibited? actually, compared to most people I am not in a sense, really inhibited. but I know! I know when I'm feeling restricted by myself and stufffff. I need to sleep, but I need to write this entry more, even though I don't think anyone will read it. what's the point anyway if someone reads it? hi you! are you reading my blog? shouldn't be talking to myself on this blog! shall go look for people to talk to. bye!

- devil in the wishing well.
by @ 9:48 PM